Why am I legitimately surprised that quarantine hasn't fixed my life?

Ok so I clearly didn't draw this Thomas, this was Struthless! But I chose this pic because, 1 - I have a seriously unhealthy obsession with Struthless (Campbell Walker) and I've talked about him before and you should all check him out. And 2 - the train will make sense if you manage to read this whole thing.

Forget the pic - to the topic at hand...quarantine.

No offense to extroverts but - this is a dream come true.

And that is part of the problem maybe.... I have a lot of thoughts. And what is crazy is that I have literally just woken up to the fact that I have them. I think this might be the first time I am writing a post that isn't really a heat of the moment depressed rant - but supposed to be a semi constructive digesting of my thoughts in a way that hasn't been mulling around in my head for months on end before finally finding the will to write it out. That probably didn't make sense. Basically, every time I write these posts, it is stream of conscious (obviously), but the message I am trying to convey has been swirling around in my head for forever. The idea normally has been something i'd been thinking about discussing for a long time. This time I have a message and I actually decided to start writing before I'd even fully figured out the message - and that is different. Maybe it is progress because I haven't waited so long to take the action. (I'm rambling about nonsense instead of getting to my point- typical).

Side note: (Future (present) me...from 2 months after starting this post) - I did not accomplish my task, I totally got overwhelmed or something and abandoned it for 2 months before picking it back up after having forgotten all about the fact that I'd started writing this in the first place.

.....Continue.....

The revelation this time is - That I didn't even realize I was having revelations.For a while I've been neglecting this "blog" and I've been asking myself if I had anything to write about - if I had anything to "share" for weeks now, and I always thought I didn't really have anything to say. Now I realize It's been right under my nose.

I realize every time I write - in my head I've had a major breakthrough but then when I put it in words I see just how fucking stupid I really am - cuz none of these concepts are groundbreaking things. Wow I suck.

Today I want to talk about -

1. How I don't know why, but I've been noticing for a while that I have been struggling to commit to bettering myself in any way - like I've been making the conscious decision to slip back into bad habits - telling myself "i'm not ready for change yet" and shit like that - so I want to digest that.

2. How quarantine seems like it would have been the perfect opportunity to actually start and do the things I've been telling myself I'm not ready for - but somehow it's not. OR it is and I just still have some block I need to figure out.

- How still having a job in this time plays into my lack of productivity. I won't let myself do any of the non work related projects that I want to do until I get my "real work" done. But I procrastinate and don't want to do my real work - so I end up on youtube and facebook all day instead of doing literally ANYTHING else productive or fun. New mantra: Procrastinate Productively!

- How I am perhaps putting too much pressure on myself and the "great opportunity" that this time is to transform. I think, "maybe I should just give myself a break". But then I think - what if the fact I keep telling myself that I "need a break and I'm not ready" is just a lie I keep sabotaging myself with?

3. How quarantine has had an effect on my already very isolated state of being

- How my recent discovery of how I really feel about guys on dating apps plays into my isolation.

I think topic 3 is the most interesting, so I am going to work backwards. A few weeks ago...really who can tell time anymore? Idk how long it's been. Anyways y'all might know if you've been reading this online diary of sorts that around V-day I was falling apart. I'd been falling apart for a long time. I forgot if I wrote at all about the turning point or not. Either way - there was a turning point. OHHHHHH...no I didn't write about the turning point cuz I actually filmed a 40 min video when it happened instead...that video will probably never see the light of day, so you can forget about that. But long embarrassing story short - I'd been looking for a clear ass sign to tell me whether I should succumb to having feelings for my ex - or really and truly try to move on. I got that sign very loud and clear and it was like a slap to the face and I about died but I am glad I got what I needed. Thank you universe & Tatiana Tarot lol! The message was that I DEFINITELY - no shit - had to let him go. So finally somehow I guess I really started trying to do that. Later on that week I went to a concert and met this guy. Because I was really making an effort to move on, I developed a decent little crush on this dude and that was cool for like 2.5 seconds. lol I told my ex about the crush. Apparently we are still so in tuned to each other that he could sense a vibe from me - I knew I could sense vibes from him, but I didn't realize he was also that in tuned to me. Very interesting - one of the reasons I had to question so heavily what I should do about him. Anyways, dude is cool, but he ain't "it" so no point in discussing that.

But what I did learn about that situation is that I have a very baaaddd relationship to dating apps. Something I'd been trying to explain to my ex after him learning of my "Whora the Explorer" ways - is that sex is one thing and sure maybe physically it can be good - but if you are using it to fill a hole....(shut-up)...it is not a very nice thing. Basically, I knew that I had been using dating apps as a meat buffet for months while in my hoe phase, and I knew that when I moved here that something in me had changed, and I was no longer hungry for fulfillment in that way. The problem was - I was looking for more than sex - but still looking on dating apps. And what I realized when I met this guy at the concert, was that, I immediately payed more attention to him because I'd met him in real life. I immediately formed more of a connection to him than I had with anyone on an app, even if we'd met and gone on an innocent date that didn't lead anywhere - I just respected this guy as more of a human than any guy from an app. Like he was cute...tbh it was 100% the hair, but otherwise he wasn't anything the write home about - and yet I'd actually developed "a feeling" towards him. So I think it was a combo of me trying to force myself to move on, and reading too deep into "signs" and things, and the fact that we'd met in person under crazy circumstances. I met my ex in person at a bar. So that parallel was also something to chew on, and it started me thinking about how I really feel about dating apps.

I am not against them, and I think they really do work for people, and I don't think necessarily that they could never work for me. But for now the relationship I have with them is just really fucked up, so they wont work, until I fix that. I realized that I've used it for a purpose that completely stripped the person away for so long, that now I can't look at any of the profiles and recognize that there is a real human being behind it. All I see is dick. Thats not very nice or fair to anyone. So that was a big "come to Jesus" moment for me, and it has obviously changed the way I view the apps. So for a while I pretty much stopped using them.

But.

Here's the problem as it relates to quarantine - the vast majority of of my social interaction revolves around using dating apps. I only have ONE real friend where I live now, (and she is my best friend and I love her dearly, but she is more of a sister than a friend to me at this point, so she gets on my last nerves and I can't handle her energy all the time)...so basically we don't talk consistently.

Also (Future me editing here) - she moved out of state during the quarantine, so I don't even have her anymore :( ... Back to the story....

Annnnnd the only other person I talk to, is my ex...shocker.(who is on the other side of the country- incase anyone actually reads this and didn't know)

So - when I had my revelation about my toxic relationship to dating apps, and realized that the concert dude wasn't a match - I didn't have anyone to talk to anymore. Then quarantine happened, and I didn't have any real life socialization either. And basically I have allowed myself to close almost completely off. I feel very very disconnected - and I always do - but now I recognize it even more and it's a problem but it's also kinda comfortable....but I know I shouldn't allow myself to indulge in the loneliness so much. But Idk what the hell to do about it, because I legitimately can't bring myself to talk to people without a clear reason to speak to them. Not even my best friend who I am sure hates me right now cuz I can't even pretend to be interested in holding a conversation with her right now. Damn I'm an awful person sometimes.

So, I've been trying to figure out how to overcome this...any real ideas send them my way.

. ......Damn (Future me again) this was a whole ass essay up to this point and I abandoned it and I'm just now getting back to it. I wasn't even planning on finishing this tonight, I'd completely forgotten I'd written it, but I think I will try, and just pick up from where I left off...Keep in mind it has been 2 more months of self isolation.

So I'm still in isolation, and A LOT has happened...but at the same time, NOTHING has really happened.

Bullet points

- I dreamt about acquiring a pet squirrel...I don't like squirrels very much - this is proof I am lonely.

- My ex continues to break my heart by refusing to let go of this young chick with a drug problem.

- I got slightly better mentally for a second and I was starting to try again.

- I changed my dating apps to finding girls too so I can try to make friends.

- BLACK LIVES FUCKING MATTER!!! - and thats all we gunna say bout that on this post.

- Utterly mentally & emotionally shut down, & my ex continues to torture me in other ways.

I want to talk more quickly about me still being a shitty garbage person real quick. Whoops...sorry I know I'm not supposed to talk about myself in that way If I'm gunna change but ya know what..fuck that.

K so, I can't stand the way that I can't bear to talk to anyone, and I just straight up ghost nice people who attempt to get to know me like it's my job. I can't stand how the minute I start to feel proud of myself for getting an ounce better, is the minute I fall off the wagon and hurl myself 10 steps back. I can't stand the fact that I have essentially been shitting on the fact that I am one of the lucky few who still has a job and gets to work from home, and yet I have not put in one single hour of work this entire week...because I am just too mentally ill right now I guess idk. I can't stand that my bestie and I have a cool idea and I've been avoiding talking to her because I haven't made any progress on it in weeks. And I can't stand the fact that I am still thrown into a washing machine of emotions over little things like my ex posting a good picture of himself to his IG story.

On the bright side - the only other guy in my life to break my heart this bad, has apparently bought a house with his girlfriend and I didn't even cry about it. In fact it hurts much less than that cute little pic of my ex. Lol. Remind me - at some point I'd like to talk about how it makes me feel, that that guy is now with a hispanic girl and I'd tried to convince myself all those years ago that maybe he was racist and just didn't want me cuz I wasn't white....woof.

Anyways - I'm sorry this has turned from something you didn't want to read in the first place - to a plea for help, lol. Nah, I'm fine tho - someone just send me a teddy bear or a good vibrator so I can cry-wank to that pic of my ex. I'll be fine.

Really I'm coming to realize that this time in my life is just really reminiscent of those 2 years in high school I was super bullied and isolated and did nothing but listen to My Chemical Romance to soothe the pain haha. I look back on those days fondly though, there truly was something so comforting about them. And to be fair, things now are truly MUCH better than they were back then - I'm not being bullied for one - but then again I am an adult now so there's that. So I guess the real question here is: why am I not blasting MCR right now?

K. I just started a playlist with all their songs in order - I think I can get back on track now.

Topic 2....You know what, we're just gunna roll topic 2 and 1 together by saying simply: Isolation sucks.

I pretty much covered both these topics accidentally with all that depressed rambling above.

I don't know why I haven't been able to get on, or stay on the self improvement train since moving here. And I don't know why that has kinda become even harder rather than easier for me during quarantine like I would have expected. I wish I was able to use this time effectively to grow and improve as a person like so many people seem to have the energy to do. The most productive things I've done thus far is go fully nocturnal for about 2 weeks to see if it would legitimately improve my productivity. I think yes it kind of did help in ways but in others threw everything off so much that it might just not be worth sustaining. And I've researched intermittent fasting and the Keto diet a bit more and somewhat tried to align myself with those. The fasting isn't so hard to do - but the problem is that I just fucking SLEEP all damn day...and basically I just couldn't figure it all out with the already odd sleeping schedule and no incentive to be awake cuz i'm not supposed to eat and yeah just been falling off the wagon of everything completely. I do want to acknowledge though within myself, that a lot of this imbalance is a side effect of the emotional toll the revolution is having on me. I don't understand how to hold the space and patience for myself when it comes to that though, because it's not like I've done much to fight and move it forward. I guess it's just the absorption of all the craziness and the feelings that is just so sooo so draining on me. Is that legit though? Or am I bullshitting myself and using it as another excuse not to have my shit together?

Anyways, in these crazy times, anytime I try to get myself on the self improvement train I fail. I envision it like trying to train hop. Like I'll literally be running after the train and sometimes I'll be able to grab on to the door handle but I can't pull myself all the way on. Or then on the incredible chance I manage to hop on the train, I stupidly do a victory dance and end up getting noticed by security and kicked back off the train.....Yeah man FUCK THE POLICE! Even the mental train hoping police I just made up for this metaphor. Maybe I ought to stop trying to cut corners and hop the train, and instead purchase a ticket to get on at the next station. Maybe that way I'd feel like I belong on the train and the mental police wont kick me off. Yet, that is what moving here and starting over was meant to do for me. I think it even worked for a minute, but the train must have stopped for a bit and I must have gotten off and fucked around too long in the gift shop and missed it leaving. All my motivation and good stuff was on that train though, and that must be why I keep chasing it. So maybe i'm just fucked and need to give up on that specific train. But idk how to get another ticket for a new train.

I kill myself with all these damn metaphors.

.....So to get off that train..of thought...

About isolation in general, like I said, I hate this - but I also kind of LOVE this. There is something so sickeningly familiar and comfortable about this level of isolation and loneliness. Melancholy maybe? Like I hate being SO alone, but I can't imagine how much worse this all would be if I weren't alone. Or maybe it would be better - but I can't decide because I can't bring myself to really carry a conversation with anyone longer than 2 sentences, so I doubt i'd really enjoy having company for too long. I worry about things going back to normal though...I kinda don't want it to because then I would be forced to participate in life again. It's a pickle. And speaking of pickles...aren't fried pickles fucking delightful?!

I think thats all for now...and even if it's not - it is, cuz I'm not about to go another 2 months without hitting publish on this trash lol.

Xoxo - Garbage Gal