Rage.

It is probably a good idea from now on to know where the nearest rage room in my area is at all times. But that - like most of my ideas - is unrealistic. Perhaps i'll invent a portable rage kit....something you can scream into as viscerally as you can but still cant be heard by anyone. A tiny thing you can somehow safely but satisfyingly enough stab repeatedly until you wear yourself out. Idk - something to think about. But right now I want to express this before the moment passes and the emotion is suddenly lifted from me right as I am about to do something useful with it.

Why is it 3am on a Monday (I thankfully have off) and I am sitting here in a towel rage typing into the void?

Because I dropped the soap in my own shower.

VIOLENCE. Fuccccckiiiinnnnggggg RAAAGGGGGEEEEE.

I have SO much self control because if I didn't, I could have bashed my head into the metal pole thing - or the sink (I cant get stuck trying to describe the appliances in my tiny bathroom) - you get it. The point is I dropped the soap in my own shower and immediately DEATH is the answer....or more severe consequences for the damages id want to cause in response - so honestly death is by far the more self preserving response...you know what I mean?

Probably not...

...dumbass just pick up the soap - what on EARTH is the fucking problem?

Well, the problem is that ever since these assholes came to replace the shower head - somehow the shower drain barely works at all anymore and the floor is flooded within a Minute 20 seconds flat. I've unclogged it twice since then and the first time i pulled up blonde hair so there is no telling how long it had been since anyone had cleaned the hair (its a really weird looking drain thing btw) - WHATEVER - THE POINT IS ITS NOT THE FUCKING HAIR that is causing it - I don't know what is up with it but it's a problem and fine - it's annoying as fuck but I deal.

What is more annoying currently is that i am forced to type this all out and try to explain it this way because I tried to record a little video but I ran out of phone storage as i was recording it - and again - SOMUCHFUCKINGSELFCONTROL because I didn't throw my phone clean across the room in that moment (or out the window (again)) like it deserves.

So i am writing this - like the calm, collected, absolutely unhinged maniac that I am.

Because for some reason when I dropped the soap into the puddle of water pooling at my feet - Murder is my brains solution. Because, because - its not a normal shower - its a little pill bathroom so the floor of the shower is the floor of the bathroom - so when it floods - even though it is just me ever using it right now - dirt and shit (not literal) gets tracked in and (again there was blond hair in the drain (not mine) when I cleared the drain the first time) ETC _ WHATEVER THE POINT IS IT FEELS FUCKING DIRTY unlike a normal shower so that soap is dead to me forever (like how I immediately want to be when this happens)

SO yeah - all this to say - I know that my irate reaction doesn't make sense - and it doesn't make sense to be ranting at now almost 4am online about this. Yes, it is moderately gross, but the energy of the anger and rage I hold over it is NOT at ALL equal in ANY WAY to the cause of it.

It genuinely doesn't make sense. And like - i'm funny, but i'm not trying to be funny - i'm so serious when I say the rage is so intense. And I absolutely lose my shit like this over the dumbest stuff ALL THE TIME.

I don't know why.

I know ADHD Rage is a real thing. I know it often presents itself like this - by having a completely out of whack, off the charts, reaction to the tiniest inconveniences. I know that it is a thing that we are able to handle massive amounts of pressure somehow un-phased but blow up over the little shit. I know this is me, it has been me - can confirm - makes sense. Also makes sense that it is usually not just the little thing - its the many many things leading up to it - so these "events" are supposedly just like "the straw that broke the camels back".

But - like...Fucking WHYYYYYYY THOUGH??????

Fucking WHY do I have to go through this shit non stop, Why do I have to go through life feeling like an absolute basket case for needing to SPAZZTHEFUCKOUT over shit that wouldn't even cause a sigh in so-called normal brains?

I feel so insane, so out of control, so crazy, so damaged, so unhinged, so ridiculous. childish, stupid, etc - every time I SNAP like this.

And then I have to remind myself (well really this is only a revelation I am having now through writing "I have so much self control" earlier in this post) - THAT - actually I am none of those mean awful things I think about myself - because I DO actually have THAT much self control - because i'm alive. Because I genuinely do want to rage quit life in those little nonsensical moments and thankfully somehow I don't. And I usually don't hurt myself, or break anything, or scream at the top of my lungs (although I definitely do (especially scream) sometimes).

I do deffffffinitely throw a mighty tantrum on (not so rare) occasion...mid-key it's getting more common. I had a lot more of a grip on myself when I was younger...but I also had a lot less compassion for myself back then - so I guess a win is a win.

It's just all so unnecessarily hard. And so hard to explain to people who don't get it, or truly can't get it. Even I think i'm just a weakling, overreacting, everyone goes through this, it's normal etc. I gaslight myself that there is no way I am really feeling that way, when i'm feeling that way. I gaslight myself that I've ever even actually wanted to die because through all these little moments, and the BIG (more understandable) moments I've held myself back from really trying. And then I call myself weak for both wanting to end it, and not just fucking ending it...lmao.

When in reality i'm probably just THAT fucking strong.

Ok. I've spent almost 2 hours on what this is saying is a 1minute read - so I am low-key re-pissed at myself - but not in the same way at all - i'm annoyed this is barely coherent and i'm sick and should be sleeping - but here's to the stupid strong creative bitch who keeps herself up for 2 hours to write about rage quitting over a dropped bar of soap, because creative expression is the only actual medicine for this kind of thing...I would and probably should have just smoked some weed but that is not accessible right now so you get this as a treat.

I just want to know if I will ever get to a point in my life where I am truly no longer this randomly reactive. Will I ever be more than a mere 6ft from the edge? LOL.

And also - because I feel like the only reason this is taking so long is that although it seems completely unfiltered - it still has been because I am still aware of my "audience".

To speak plainly - my family has seen (and unfortunately been on the receiving end of) me snapping many times. What I am describing in this post and what happens in the instances with family is almost like comparing apples to oranges - not the same really at all - but still fruit for thought. 30 more minutes stuck trying to speak my mind on what is meant to be my open channel, but getting caught up feeling guilty for anything salty that might slip out in the release that is meant to BE a FREE Release. I'm not here to make jabs - and if I keep going I am afraid that is what this will become, but at the same time I made a promise to myself in my last post NOT to censor my own voice on my own space. So again - plainly - I blow the fuck up, its "random", unexpected, never fully un-provoked - but still an unwarranted reaction compared to the level to which I was provoked.... (i'll say allegedly because because I've already established how I can gaslight and shame myself into oblivion)

Perhaps - this can help you understand....OH SHIT! - I'm not supposed to be helping anyone understand anything anymore. Figure it out if you feel like it!

Whoopsie wasted an extra 2 hours overthinking shit >__<

GoodNight 6am Xoxo - Garbage Gal