What To Do When Even Your Emergency Liquor Is Gone.

Actually this is a question, serious question. This is an emergency, I'm asking for a...myself.

So guys, it finally happened. My car was taken. Stolen in the night...or some random time I wasn't looking. Bound to happen...we all knew this. Cue - Sky Ferreira's "I Blame Myself" - only when she says "Reputation" replace with "Desperation". - It totally works lol! BTW, before you judge the video or my music taste - don't lol.

You're too slow in answering the question, so best I could do was use my shiny new EBT card to buy a Hostess Cupcake at the nearest (walking distance) gas station. Can't buy booze to fight the pain when all you have is food stamps...

Ok so needless to say, i'm pretty down right now. But this is just the newest update, I don't really want to get too deep into the feels about it because, as you know - I don't have the booze to bring me back out of it. Or another Hostess Cupcake for that matter.

But I do want to talk about the fact that even though I'm a Negative Nancy, I still deserve my damn peace.

What I mean by that is, although I know mindset is everything, it should be ok to be down and still get some good fortune sprinkled on you. I am trying my best to keep my head up considering how far i've fallen, but it's fucking HARD, and truthfully I'm doing my best, but I just can't! Also, I feel like I have to keep clarifying, I'm not trying to compare my situation to others. And while I am fully aware that my situation isn't the worst, I am complaining! And like being less than positive sometimes - complaining should be okay too! So gaaaddamnit let me rant!

Anyways, lately I feel like I've been coming across as a nuisance or bothersome because of my inability to remain cool, calm, and collected at all times. I feel like i'm "too much" for people to handle; like I am draining them of their energy when I talk to them. It makes me feel like my outlook (that is obviously influenced by my current crumby situation) is preventing me from getting the help that I need from people. To explain further, I have really been struggling finding my way in my new business pursuit. I am having a really hard time figuring this whole "Network Marketing" shit out! I just have to say that I am anxious as fuck about this whole reaching out to, and referring people thing! And I have to say that never in a million years did I think that I would start a business that requires that of me to make money. I say "start a business" rather than "join" because it is kind of like doing both. I have joined Direct Cellars, but I have started my own business out of it and I can run it however I want. Now that could be into the ground and to no reward, or it can be to riches beyond my wildest dreams! Lol I am just being dramatic, but basically I can let it fail if I want, or I can get over my damn self, make some money and take over the world. It's all about what I choose to do with this opportunity. The reality is, I chose to get into this, because I could see how freeing it is to have the ability to take the reins, and in the immortal words of Shia Lebouf - "JUST DO IT!" No other pursuit really just hands you the keys and tell you to go crazy and do what you will with them. Maybe the keys will unlock a new car, a new house, a big dream etc! That's what this business can do for you. BUT I didn't realize how much your mentality impacts the success you either do, or don't have in this business. I knew it was going to take hard work, and a lot of personal growth. I believe that you manifest your reality through your thoughts and desires. So I know that the way this is going to work for me, is by believing in it and staying "positive". In other words, in order to win, i have to "think happy thoughts". But exactly how am I supposed to think happy thoughts, and trust that things will get better when things are looking so grim for me right now? Yes, I know deep down that things will be ok, I will make it through, and that all will be well. Yet it seems as if those overarching positive thoughts aren't enough and I have to oooze unicorn blood for it to work or something. I think that considering the shit storm i'm doing pretty damn well with staying positive! Truly, I am someone with severe anxiety and depression and I think that the way I've been handling my situation is AMAZING considering how I could be handling it...but still, it's not enough.

My ability to remain hopeful, and positive that I've made the right decision is joining DC - despite my lack of progress, is not enough for people to trust me and my recommendation of it. If I can't prove that I am making this business work for me, then why would anyone want to join it themselves? It's a serious question that people deserve an answer to. But I can't supply that answer because I haven't had any success yet, and I can't have success without it! OR at least it's not easy to. Without the proof, what I need is to have a mindset that radiates the faith I have in the system and outshines the need for proof. OR I need to not be so in need right now.

Because I so desperately need for this to work (since I have nothing else to fall back on), It is hard to make a light hearted recommendation and let the opportunity speak for itself. I try to do that, because I know that the opportunity is great and it is powerful on it's own. But I think that my NEED for you to love it as much as I do, gets in the way. It's like people can sense my unspoken intention and desperation. I am not trying to be that way, but because of where my head is, I feel it is obvious. People don't want to be pressured into something, and I don't want to pressure or push anything onto anyone, but I think subconsciously that happens because I can't disconnect my livelihood from this. It is actually an impossible thing to do, because it is a FACT, that I need your help to pull me out of this. So that's an awkward ass situation. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's because I am thinking so deeply into the possible unspoken communication I am having with my prospects, that I keep losing. Or maybe it is just that I can't get my head out of my ass long enough to really gather the balls to reach out to more people who might not be burdened by my neediness. Either way, it is really hard for me to radiate confidence in a system that hasn't worked for me yet, especially when I need it to so badly. If I had another way of making money, I wouldn't come off as so desperate, and I wouldn't care so much if people said no to me. And I think that people not having that subconscious pressure imposed on them, would help them to see the big picture and say yes to me. You know what I mean? Can you see how it's all a big catch 22 for me right now?

So long story short - I am not doing well in this business yet. But it's only been a month, and with all the cards currently stacked against me, I can't see that as a total failure. It wouldn't be a failure at all if it didn't mean I'd be entering another month without rent money or transportation at all.

Let's talk about why I don't just lie about my situation. Why don't I just put on a good show and pretend everything is fine? Maybe that would get me the start that I need to dig myself out of this mess. But EH, i'm just not a liar like that. I am a good actress, but I'm not going to fake my truth like that. Not to mention that I just would never do that to someone looking for this opportunity. I'm not going to lie and say i've made X amount of money doing this etc. That's simply not fair and it's not right. However, being truthful does make for awkward conversations because people have too many perfectly reasonable questions, that I don't have favorable answers to. Yet, If someone is going to see the opportunity in this business, they can, and should see it without my having to lie. I want people to know me for who I am, and the truth is: my lip gloss ain't poppin right now! So i'm not going to gloss over my life and act like it is. It is contrary to me, and to the message of Garbage Gal.

But that's what people expect nowadays. People expect the sparkly, shiny, pretty parts. But I am not following the status quo, I'm breaking the rules. I am over it, and I am tired of the idea that we all have to act ok and perfect all the time. The idea that people only want to see the good parts of the movie is ridiculous. If I wanted to only show the good parts, I'd tell you I was in San Diego this week. I'd post some of the amazing pics I took and tell you that I was in an amazing luxurious apartment complex having a wine social with some really influential people. Etc. Etc. That's all true, and if I were following the rules, i'd leave the story at that. I wouldn't tell you that I only got to San Diego because I was giving a friend a ride down to visit family and she paid for the gas. I wouldn't tell you that my boyfriend and I drove around for hours trying to find a McDonalds that took EBT, with no luck and I almost cussed out a cashier at a Jack in the Box because their window said EBT accepted but he didn't know how to work the machine so we had to find a grocery store. I wouldn't tell you that when we finally had food in our hands, I threw a fit and threw it all on the ground beside my car because I had to spend our very last 5 dollars (that was borrowed in the first place) on our 4th fucking thing of sunscreen because we left all our sunscreen at home and my bf insisted. I would fail to mention how sleepy, delirious, and hungry we were by this time because we'd gone to sleep the night before at 1am and been up since 4am to wait in a line for 6 hours for the chance to register as background actors at Central Casting in LA. I wouldn't tell you how long we spent trying to find the perfect spot to park the car and sleep for the night without getting in trouble or being bothered since the car doesn't have tinted windows or really anything to protect us from the curious eyes of vacationers. I also wouldn't (and probably shouldn't) mention how close i came to finding a bush to shit in because by the time we found a spot to park, there was no place open to go to the bathroom at. The list goes on, it was a shit show, but I was in San Diego! And I saw cliffs, and went to the beach and I wore a cute black jump suit and heels to meet the president of the company's wife and a celebrity...with stank breath because I hadn't had the opportunity to brush my teeth.

So anyways, back to why I feel like I am too much, and draining - it is because of all of the above. I can't just leave all that juicy stuff out! I can't let you think it's flowers and fun up in here! But like I said, that's what people have grown accustomed to through social media. So when they meet someone who can't do that, they just don't really know what to do with it. I think lately I make people a bit uncomfortable because I just can't hide my freak flag. I try to - I do, I'm not someone who forces my truth on you. I'm quiet for the most part and when things aren't pretty I try to keep it to myself and just not say anything at all. But when I'm asked, I'm also not going to spew rainbows out my ass, I'm going to tell you whats really up. And I think that is a lot of where my problems have been coming from lately. Because when people ask me how I'm doing, I say "not well", and when people ask how the business is going for me, I tell them it's not really going and why it's not because of my situation and why that shouldn't matter for them. People don't want to hear all that. They say they do, but they don't. They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

So it's all kind of funny to me because i've been in the company of some really influential people lately that could help me out in theory. They are amazing, and I admire them, but it's also clear to me that they don't have the patience for my bullshit lol! So for example, when i'm around them, and we are all talking in a group, their eyes are lit up and they are engaging and inviting. (They being the glossy influential ones) But I've noticed that the minute it is just us, their light goes out. They just stare at me kind of blankly like they can barely tolerate me and wish I'd free them of having to deal with me. Ok I know - this is very likely just my anxiety and insecurity talking...but you know I actually think there is some truth in it, and I'm not mad about it. Because the truth is, I'm just not for them, and maybe they just aren't for me either. Maybe I am just too much, too negative, and in need of too much damn help, that they can't relate and can't help me. But then who do I get my help from? And who helps the other people like me? Because I know i'm not the only weirdo in the bunch trying to build this business! Definitely not the only one out there who feels these things and lives a messy, crazy, wonderful life!

So I just want to say, that - that's why i'm here. I'm here for the people who are "too much". I'm here for the Negative Nancy's, the Pessimist Polly's, the weirdo's in the wine biz, and the weirdo truth tellers in life in general. I figure - I'll figure it out and I'll kick some ass in this business, but I'm not going to do it the way that's expected. And if you are just here reading this for the laughs (I don't know about you, but I find it all pretty funny), or if you are considering starting a business in network marketing. I'll be here for you. I may not have the answers myself, but i'll be damned if I don't hear you out and try to work it out with you! You get me :)

XOXO - Garbage Gal

P.S. - Why am I so corny? And I still need to come up with something better than xoxo lol.