Watch Out for the BIG Garbage Grrrl!

I....was going to say i'm sorry, but I won't apologize for the play on words lol!

CLEARLY - I am absolutely IN LOVE with Lizzo's Watch Out For The Big Grrrls on Prime! (I posted my second ever Tick Tac of me bawling my eyes out over how good the show is lmao)

And you know what, yes, when I say "IN LOVE" - I do mean that there is a part of this that's sexual. Like, the show is magic, it's medicine, it's SEXY, it's comforting, it is EVERYTHING I want in a partner. i would ask for this shows hand in marriage, this is serious lmao!

I WILL gush more over it in a moment, but I also want to make sure I mentioned the other reasons i'm "Journaling" right now because, I want to give updates!

1- I met someone!

2- Did I tell y'all I put a journal on amazon to sell?

3- BIG things and changes are coming - and I am GOING to ride the wave this time!

4. I want to share some recent insights

My life is so magical, and I am feeling that especially right now. I don't know if it's the New Moon in Aries energy, the fact that it's Spring, the fact i'm turning 30 THIS YEAR, Lizzo's show, weed, Abraham Hicks videos, OR WHAT is in the water, but I am feeling - OH, maybe I get a surge of energy every 5 years?

But the point is, I have had insights, and I am leveling up baby!

I mean, I do think a lot of it is the weed lmao, I am just becoming the philosophizing stoner everyone always thought I was/knew I'd become.

Insights:

- I realize now that, all this time while I thought I had such a good relationship with "Idea's" - in truth, i see it's been unfulfilling. (WTF is with me and the marriage analogies today - but hang with me).

So, consider that I am "married" to the "idea", that I am someone who loves ideas, and has a ton of good ones all the time. And when I talk about my relationship to ideas with other people, I totally gush about them, I am in love - that is true.

BUT - I just realized today - that I have to apologize to "Idea's", because if this is a union - I have not been a good partner.

I realize that I've been nothing more than a place where great idea's go to die.

Because like humans, Idea's I think have value whether they are fully realized of not. In other words - I think that great ideas with no one to "think" them - are still GREAT ideas on their own. Like a person who is not at their prime (Or even just an asshole) STILL has value. That's of course excluding rapists, pedophiles, racist pigs, transphobes, etc. Life has value, but people sometimes still deserve to get wrecked. LIKE some idea's can fuck all the way off too - right? You know what i'm saying?

I should have prefaced this with an explanation of my semi-recent acceptance of the idea that "idea's" aren't necessarily "from' us....

Okay - I said "Acceptance" because when I first came across this concept, I hated it. Because I love idea's and I like to think that they are MINE when I have them, they came from me, I created them! So, I didn't like the fact that the one thing I thought I was 'good' at (Generating ideas) - wasn't actually anything that was "coming" from me necessarily at all.

Thats a weird concept right? I was like - ummmmm excuse me, I am pretty sure I have dope ideas all the time that I know i've never heard before- that came from me, the fuck you mean its not mine?

It's still hard to wrap my head around, and very hard to try and say this and not question it again because I still kinda hate it.

I now think, that Idea's aren't "created", they are "HAD" and "HELD". Almost just Like Beliefs.

But if you think about it, it makes sense.

With beliefs, to me - it's easier to disconnect them from myself in a way. Because I realize that a lot of times, a lot of people hold the same belief - to me that feels so much less personal and intimate than an idea. A lot of times beliefs are passed down, or given in some way. With beliefs - it is easier to see how "conditions" influence them. People can see how someone raised in a Christian household, might have the belief that God is a white man in the sky. The belief seems "beyond" or "outside" of them. It's just that the conditions were right for instilling that belief.

Ok so, whats the origin of a belief? Because we get how conditions influence them, but how'd they come to be in the first place? Is it the sum of a bunch of conditions? No - because you can have the same belief without having the same sum of conditions. And I suppose you could never really be sure if the exact same conditions would lead to a different belief because there truly are too many variables to assess whether anyone really had the same conditions. I mean, i'm sure theres a way - but I am just some random pothead on the internet.

Anyways - what I am trying to get at it that when you get to the bottom of a belief, I think it is really just an idea that has amassed the capacity to be held by many people at the same time. And yeah, people have personal beliefs, they hold beliefs that they aren't even aware of, they....omg what the fuck ever, work is over and I get to go home now....also I'm not in college writing a thesis, so I don't have to defend anything or make any damn sense if I don't want to.

That said - cuz I want to post this before I end up saving as a draft to go home and then never looking at it again....

What I am trying to say is that I now think that ideas are independent of us, and it is only up to us to create the right conditions for them to flow in and out of our awareness.

WHICH MEANS - I don't create the ideas - but I flirt with them and they love to come to me. And I think they have a good time with me for a while because when we hit it off - I cherish them. I expand on them, I hook them up with different ones and it's a party.

UNTIL - the reality sinks in to both me and the ideas, that i'm a free loader.

I seduce the ideas in and I promise them that I'll act on them and create from them and grow them - and then I don't.

I am a shitty partner to my love of cool, interesting ideas because I don't often follow through on the contract. Idea's have the purpose of finding the right person to manifest them into reality. They need to find the person who is willing to "do the work". But I'm abusive, I don't want to let them go even though I'm not allowing them to thrive.

That's fucked up on my part and I want to do better!

I want to prove to my great ideas that I am a worthy partner, and that I will see them through, not just keep them for my own enjoyment.

So that brings me to my next update: that BIG CHANGES are coming.

For one thing, this website is under construction.

I am finally letting go of the beautiful idea of what Garbage Gal was 4 years ago. I held on to it for far too long without seeing the vision all the way through. I did make some cool memories and shit though, this was/is cute. And it's still a part of the journey and the heart of "project me".

But it's time for something new - and that is a resurgence of my childhood ambitions!

I may have mentioned that I used to want to be a Drag queen because they are all fabulous and turn into dragons....What you didn't know? DUUUUUH - they are all like Maleficent, hellooww!?

No but seriously - what the fuck have I been doing with my life - I am a Dancer, Entertainer, Drama Queen....who happens to struggle deeply with self hatred and shitty self worth.

So basically I've become "Ain't Shit". And I am finally seeing that (But in a real way - not in a self hate way, but in a "I KNOW I'm better than this way") So I am motivated to change that.

Yet -

How the fuck i'm supposed to shine when i'm constantly cutting the lights off on myself?

NO MORE!!!

Ok - Let me wrap this up somehow, last point!

THAT - is why I'd fucking Marry Lizzo's new show. Because it is teaching me how not to turn the lights off on myself. It is fucking beautiful honestly....you guys, just watch it and let it heal something within you...goddamn!

I didn't get to everything, but fuck it - I'm out.

TTYL xoxo - Garbage Gal, AKA Lili LeWaste