They call me Sarah, they call me Stout...That's not my name.

It is time to address the name thing.

Trash Hag Supreme!

Why Garbage Gal? Well It's catchy for one thing, has a ring to it, but there is obviously more to it than that.

I got the idea from a poem by Shel Silverstein. I grew up on those poems and one of my favorites is "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout would not take the garbage out." I used to try and memorize it and see how far I could go reciting it. (Hint...pretty far! But I don't think I ever finished it all the way)

Anyways, I was looking for a good way to express myself and fix my life. But I have a hard time expressing myself because I've turned into a loaner, and I feel like I have so much to say, that trying to express it would just seem confusing to people. I felt kind of like - if I just started talking, every other thing I said, would sound like someone else had said it. So it would be hard for me, to focus on me...by being me - if that makes sense? So one day thinking about how much of a garbage person I am, it just clicked! I thought of the poem and there are 4 names in it that I could use as aliases in a way. Then it just started developing more from there. It occurred to me that the names naturally have a personality to them and they happened to fit with major parts of my personality that seem to conflict with one another. This gave me a way to express myself, in all the ways I needed to, without it coming from one scattered confusing voice!

Now why garbage though?

Why would I call myself a garbage person? Well I think it is profoundly hilarious! You know when someone calls something trash - like "that pasta salad was TRASH"? I love that expression so much! It's not just bad, it's not awful, etc...it is trash! It's hilarious to me! And then it's the same thing when someone says they are trash, or "such a garbage person" etc. I've always though that was an awesome expression. I don't know why, and I know it was a trend that has already kind of died out. But Now I am adopting it because it's funny and it is SO expressive of how I feel. I do have a very self deprecating sense of humor that people don't like, and this mirrors that. But it is humor! I am calling myself trash, yes, but that doesn't mean I want to be thrown away - I find it funny! So I hope you understand that, and can see where I am coming from. I have so much history of being misunderstood for the dark humor that I have (that people are largely unaware of now) and my perspective on things, that it has made it really hard for me to express myself the way I like. When i do, I'm expecting laughs, but I end up with people asking If i'm ok. And that's fine, it's a good thing, but it makes me uncomfortable and feel like I can't say anything without making everyone ELSE uncomfortable. I can't stand that! So for years I've just stopped talking, stopped sharing myself out of fear. And in the mean time it's become cool to shit on yourself, but I still can't join in on the fun because (especially now since people haven't heard from me), they don't know what to expect from me. They don't know that this IS me, and how I choose to communicate. And yeah, even though things are not fine right now, I'm not posting as a cry for help. I'm posting, because it's what I fucking feel like doing, and what I want to say!

I'm at the point now that I don't want to hide that anymore because it's not helping me grow at all. Stuffing myself in a box to fit your perception of me, does not help me. It also doesn't give me the opportunity to put it out there to potentially help someone else. I LOVE helping other people, because it makes me feel useful and worth something and better. Helping others when you can't help yourself, gives you a purpose for the time being you know? And I think one of the best ways to help others, is to simply post your truth and let them know that they are not alone. It is one thing to reach out and say "hey man, I feel you, you're not alone" but it is another to actually show them. By posting your truth people might see that you're with them, that it is their truth too and it''s ok.

So, if you feel that I shouldn't call myself trash, or say negative things of myself, like I'm fat, and I hate my hair etc. etc. - then you are probably right. It would be ideal if I didn't hate myself. Does the fact that I just said that make you uncomfortable? Fine if it does, that is you, and not feeling that way is your reality and your power. My truth, my reality, and my personality is different from yours, and if you don't like what I say, it just means it wasn't meant for you. Also in that case, when I say I hate myself, it likely doesn't mean the same thing to me as when you say it. Because I've sat in it for so long, hating myself isn't the end of the world - so it's cool. Don't be offended by how I treat Myself. Don't make ME, make YOU, feel comfortable by acting as if I am happy with everything and I have my life together. The point is, the name is Garbage Gal. It's cute, it has a ring to it, it is funny to me, it is useful, and it is an accurate way of describing how I feel about myself. It's expressive, it's expressing my truth in a way that may not be for you, but may be just what someone else needs. This is ME, and I know I am getting prickly with this post and it has veered way off path. I'm just thinking about how much I've been silenced by people trying to impose their positivity on me. But this is important and something i'll be talking about more.

I am working on changing my view of myself. That is what this whole blog, this whole project, website, whatever it is, is about. That is the mission. By the end of this the name might by gold girl or some shit like that lol! But for now this is what it is, and I hope you like it, because I do!..but if not, that's cool too :)

XOXO - Garbage Gal

P.S. - If you are curious, you can easily figure out my real name by clicking the wine button on the home page. It will take you to a site that says presented by___________ :) Check it out, and message me on Stout's page if you are interested or have any questions about it!

P.P.S. - I have no idea how to sign off lol so I know xoxo is weird but it's the best I've got!