The cloud is never far enough away

I did a meme.. its my first and only...wauw

It's too easy to slip back into a stank ass mood. So much so that I am having a really hard time writing this because I'm so dead inside that willing my fingers to move is a physical hardship. I can literally feel and recognize the strain in my body just tp make my body move right now in the smallest way. My head is slumped back and to the side and its uncomfortable but moving it would take away from the power I have to use to type.

This is ridiculous and why has my morning turned to this? Goddamn laundry. Now, I've always had a problem with laundry so in typing this it doesn't seem so outlandish to me but it is for a different reason this time that it's got me down. I'm all the way back down right now because for the whole weekend I've been anticipating going to do laundry with my sister on Sunday morning. It was a cemented idea - the concrete was not quite dry - like if I could find a way to get out and do laundry alone that would be better, just to get some free time - so I would have been able to digest a change in plans that involved my being out of the house alone. BUT, no as my sis was getting her stuff together I learned that she was getting it together for y grandma to go do it instead. So then I thought...thats not the plan, now I have to go with my grandma (which is totally cool too) But doesn't feel as free-ing you know? So as I'm mulling over that idea, my sister yells out "If you want your laundry done, get it together for granny" - Oh I should mention incase it wasn't already clear -this involves going to the laundromat.

Anyways so i'm sitting there like ok - so there goes my getting out the house - and my ability to wash everything that I want because there are some things I just don't want my grandma washing. So then in my head I started fabricating a conversation I thought I was "overhearing" about how i'm not trusted to go out with the cars because I don't have insurance, and if I wanted my freedom I should just get a car. So then I started thinking - damn I need to get out of here because I'd be able to get a car, if I were 'allowed" to get a serving job etc. etc..."Oh, then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you Alfalfa"" (substitute alfalfa for my name). So basically I lost the battle with my head and it all went to shit. I put on a hoodie and the hood got stuck on my head and I didn't have the energy to pull it off my head anymore. I went to the kitchen to "make an appearance" to show that I was awake - though not "alive". I made coffee and my family made comments on the state of my hood, and I was putting on a front that i'm not already in a shit mood, so I wouldn't explain that putting my hood down was both physically too damn much to ask - and it was comforting in a way to me. So I brought the coffee to my room and my sister is asking me whether or not i'm going to the laundromat with my grandma, and I grunt in response because opening up my mouth to answer is too much to ask of me and I'm not as obligated to "put on a front" for her so I just leave it at that... (I forgot that somewhere in this story before this point my sister had asked me something about the laundry thing and my response was something along the lines of "No, if they don't want me to get out of the house ever again, thats fine - she can just do it". SO, it was already a "thing" that I was inexplicably shitty over the goddamn laundry. Back to the story - so after taking my coffee back to my room, I decided I would TRY and get out the funk because after all - I now have a cup of life - so I went back out to the kitchen to make breakfast, but there really wasn't much to eat unless I had the energy to cook - and by now we all know thats not gunna happen. So then my mom was all "If someone besides me wants to make blueberry pancakes, that'd be good" (all passive aggressive) so of course I had to volunteer, and she's like "no, no I'll make them, it's fine - it's just annoying, I feel like you guys are always asking me to make you breakfast". UGH, so then (Zapped back down to zero) I'm like "I'm not asking you to make breakfast, I never do - if there is nothing I want to eat right now, I am fine without it and just will wait for lunch to make something" - idk, wasn't a great response on my part because i'm not implying that i'm waiting for her to make lunch. It's just the truth right now I barely have the energy to eat so I am literally fine just waiting, I don't care. Anyways this food thing is always a thing....

AHONOIDSFAPYGFPIUWBCMHZUHEVWWBNXJNXUIUGFEOWN AJCIJUBEHWUFDGDHWIQ0P...FUCK.

So now it is a few hours later and I have to back log all the shit that just went down.

So back to where I stopped, the food thing is always a thing. But I tried to ignore it and went back to my room to just have the coffee and start writing this about how over NOTHING, my minds already gone to hell in a hand basket. Then I'm writing and I think I overhear my mom asking my dad to do something in reference to making fucking breakfast and i'm like goddamnit, she's making breakfast anyways and again i'm going to be blamed for it and just shit wtf. So I go again to the kitchen and it turns out my mom only asked my dad to make her coffee. But at this point my grandma comes out and is like "So are you going to do laundry??" and i'm thinking no, I thought you were...but I said something along the lines of "I don't know, me and (my sister) had planned on doing it this morning but now idk whats going on". So then she asked if my sister had work or not, and I was like idk and things got fuzzy and I just left not sure what was going on with the laundry. Go back into my room (which is shared with my sister and a brother) and my sister goes something along the lines of "why'd you bring me into that?" in a way that was saying "why'd you throw me under the bus". Mind you - I'm mentally exhausted so I literally for a minute do not remember being the one to mention her at all and i'm like i'm sorry I didn't realize it if I did. I get back to straining to write. At some point my mom asks me something about fb and I have to drag myself up to go explain. Then talking to my sis about the Area 51 shenanigans and i'm sure she can hear in my voice how fucking draining it is just to speak and I think that with the way I sound she probably thinks i'm on something. Anyways I keep writing and then my mom calls in asking if we want eggs and I don't say anything but my sister does and thats enough and so my moms making eggs with mushrooms in them and I hate mushrooms so I don't want the damn eggs but not that she' MAKING FUCKING BREAKFAST for us, I have to eat the eggs. So then my grandma walks by the room and she's like "just so you know - I'm not doing the laundry anymore so y'all better go if you're going." So i'm like "Ok". Then a little bit later my sister is like "Well, you screwed me over because I was off the hook and didn't need to go when granny was going for me sooo -" and I'm like "I'll go do the fucking laundry". And it was at this point that I got up and stopped writing and I packed up my stuff because I was going to finish my train of thought at the laundromat.

So we are caught up in the story to the point I rolled over the keyboard and stopped.

BUT WAIT...there is more.

Also i'm aware this is the worst writing and story telling of my life - I don't care I just need something to occupy me.

SO I pack everything up and I go into the kitchen to say I am going to do all the laundry. And my mom is making gross eggs and she's like "What? Why? Your sister should be doing her own laundry" and i'm like "I'm just going - it's a "thing" and i'm just going now" so she's like "well idk what's going on" and i'm like "I don't either" so she's like "well i'm almost done with breakfast so you should stay to eat". And of course i'm thinking yuck - I wanted to get out before breakfast anyways but I guess i'm gunna have to shut up and eat that mess....So I stay and wait for breakfast and i'm determined just to shove it down my throat and not complain or say a goddamn thing about it. Because I know, she knows I don't really like that shit and I know it's like she's just daring me to say something because I'm fat and I eat like a child and blah blah blah - another fucking THING. Then when we are getting our eggs things got tense and fussy and it's not worth explaining (I know - as if ANYTHING i've written so far is) - but anyways we sit down to eat.

I'm silently choking it down, and then I don't really remember how but things started kicking off about the laundry thing again.

So my sister is trying to explain her thing about the laundry and my mom is saying stuff and I'm saying stuff and it is all wholly100% fucking ridiculous. THEN someone is like well "well you just always have a lot of stuff to wash" and I'm like "well yeah because I basically wait until I have nothing and then just wash it all", and my mom is like "Well and you still have all your clothes".

Shit went sideways.

I haven't written anything about this whole epic piece of drama in our lives - but suffice it to say - no one has anything right now, all of our stuff is gone.ALL OF IT.

Anyways, this is a sticking point with me because I don't have all my stuff - and I haven't had all my stuff, and been dealing with this loss for a year now. Remember I wrote you that on my way to the airport to move back home (big mistake btw) - my bag broke and I only was able to grab a handful of my stuff and put it in a much smaller bag and basically all my shit is gone? And further than all my shit was already gone 3 years ago before I moved to LA because of shit - but I can't complain about that because it was "My choice". Anyways the point is NOT a "poor me" moment. I am fully aware that my situation isn't as devastating as the rest of the family's and I'm not trying to compare the two situations. BUT, DON'T fucking say that I still have all my stuff when I clearly fucking DON'T. Don't act like I don't have anything to be hurt over and HOW DARE I acknowledge that I ALSO have nothing to wear.

Anyways. Things popped off, and it all became a screaming match and it's all shit. everything is shit. I can't get out of it and I can't explain why my brain is such shit and why I am this way.

I just am...and the literal FACT that I am - makes it so much worse. So when you ask me why I am depressed, the answer is BOTH, that I just fucking am - and Because, I am depressed - makes me depressed. Etc. It's a never ending story and cycle and I'm sorry but it is what it is.

And i'm sorry that I seriously just wrote down every tiny annoying bullshit uninteresting detail and then when the story finally finds some juice I am too tired to write anything about it. Yeah, I know - I'm shit. Anyways I ended up finishing this...at the laundromat...with my sister.

wtf...

Now you see though just how fucking ridiculous this is.

kbye,

x - Me