Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Today hasn't been so bad actually. I am just reflecting on my downward spiral so far and it is all very reminiscent of an ass beating. it almost literally hurts. Actually it does, between the hunger pains, and the awkward siting positions I have to contort to because the stolen wifi only works in one spot in the apartment and it happens to be a low awkward spot.

Oh by the way, I think I've finally given my computer aids because I "won a contest" on Freelancer.com (I know the site I just got scammed on). Anyways the contest was to draw a cat holding a beer and a joint for someone to use as a logo. The contest was for $15 and they needed the cat in Vector form. So i gave my computer the plague because I needed to download photoshop from the pirate bay to turn it into a vector. I really should have downloaded illustrator I think, so even after all that I'm not sure I did it right. And now my computer has brain cancer over fucking $15 dollars that I still haven't seen yet. Annnnd I'm not sure I ever will because I don't have an account that isn't in the negative to take any money out from. So since I have my pay pal linked to my bank account and my bank account in the negative, that $15 would only serve to bring my balance a teensy bit closer back to zero.

Damn it feels good to get my ass beat!

I really should get into S&M. But as it is currently, I only like to watch other people get whipped at goth bars. Wouldn't dream of getting hit myself...but at this rate that would hurt way less! TMI? Yeah, I'll move on.

Point is, I did this all to myself. I asked for it. Somehow cosmically I am getting exactly what I wanted. I just can't remember putting in that order - but for this all to be happening, i'm sure I did and the universe is just delivering my requested misery fresh and piping hot. Ok let me quit playing around. I know I asked for it subconsciously in more ways that one.

I grew up, (and still am) privileged. That is strangely something I've never been able to get past. I've never felt worthy of the things that I have. When I was younger and would get depressed and wouldn't understand why, and I would sit there and just hurl myself down the rabbit hole thinking, ' "You absolute piece of shit! How are you so sad, you have everything, every opportunity and it is wasted on you! Some poor resourceless kid could do so much with what you have, and your bitch-ass is sitting here being sad over nothing." And it would just go on and on. I still struggle with the idea that I shouldn't feel my feelings because they aren't, or shouldn't be valid. Yet I can understand it when anyone else feels the way they do. But when it comes to me, i'm not allowed - I shouldn't, it's rude feeling this way when you have so much to be grateful for.

I think that being sad or broken is unfair to others who's situation is worse, but I know that thinking this way, is unfair to me. I just can't get over it though. I always have a problem when I get handed things. I tend to sabotage and fuck up the good things because I don't feel like I deserved the handout. I end up doing everything the hard way...by accident, on purpose - if you know what I mean. I appreciate the good things that I have, and I know I am naive for not just accepting it for what it is. I realize by not just saying thanks, and moving on, I am taking it all for granted. Then the fact that I know I am taking it for granted by shunning the gifts, just makes it worse, because I start feeling awful for it all on that level too.

So I've always stupidly gone against the grain in that way and rejected, or felt guilt for my privilege and the fact that i'm still not satisfied even with it. Now let me just say, I'm not a saint, I don't sit there and dwell over this shit all the time, and I haven't really done anything to help it. All I've done is fuck off all my good fortune and ruin my parents faith in me. So I am not saying at all that anyone should feel guilt for what they have. I am not trying to make myself out to be some kind of social justice warrior for feeling this way. I'm saying I'm ruining my life, and the lives of my family members because of this fucked up tendency of mine. Why can't I just get over myself, and do what's easy? Why don't I just take the paths that have been laid (layed?..idk) out for me? I feel like such an idiot for it, and it helps no one! Nor does beating myself up over it though. So I need to stop that! I need to let it go and just be ok with the way I am, and what I have. Instead of shun it, I need to make the best of it.

So anyways, I feel that i've definitely brought this whole shit storm on myself. I mean for many reasons, all the obvious ones - I wasn't taking care of anything like I should have been. I haven't been "adulting" properly and sooner or later it was all going to come crashing down. But the thing is, in some sick way, I kind of wanted it to come crashing down.

What the actual fuck right?

To explain, I've always thought about what I would do in crazy desperate situations. I've wanted to be homeless. Ok, more specifically, i've wanted to live in a car - so homeless but with some lip gloss. The bigger picture is that I've wanted to experience freedom. In my mind there are only two ways to have that. First, by being flat ass broke and unbothered by anything other than scrounging up enough to eat. Yes it's a foolish and unrealistic idea. but you have to admit it was an allure! I know it can't possibly be they way I envision it, but the idea of freedom with no fucks given is an attractive thought. The second way to be free? Fuck tons of money. So much money you have no concept of need, or being told "No". So, on the pursuit of freedom, naturally which do you think is more attainable? Really all my life, I thought if I wanted freedom i'd have to go for broke. I never thought deeply into the idea of generating wealth until this year. When I turned 25 my outlook changed. I went from thinking I'd either have to be a slave to the system or a forest dweller, to thinking - yeah, screw it - I'm going to be filthy fucking rich!

I think that is some awesome progress on my part! The only problem is, like I was saying earlier, how do I know I deserve to be rich? No - the question for me (oddly enough) isn't "how am I going to get rich?". I mean that's a question but I have great ideas so i'm not so worried about that. But for me, I don't even feel like I deserve to be sad, how can I suddenly decide that I deserve wealth? And how do I prove that to myself? How do I really know, that I didn't just get lucky because of the privilege that I've always had?

Once I again, I want to clarify - I am not a trust fund kid. I don't know real PRIViLEDGE. I grew up in a working class, military family. My needs were met and I was fortunate enough to grow up seeing the world. I luckily have a concept of what is out there, and I am not limited by the idea of existing forever in the U.S. or in a small town with small peoplet. I also had the privilege of growing up absolutely loved. Now my family is crazier than yours... I mean idk we can compare notes some other time. We aren't normal or "happy" by any means. BUT there is unconditional love, and these things that I have are supposed to be "standard" but in truth, unfortunately these things can't be said for most families in the world. So even though it's not really any more that what is "expected" or "typical" of a family and an upbringing - It is still a privilege.

Side note: I don't know why I have such a complex about this. I don't know maybe it is my way of digesting the fact that I am a minority in almost every sense of the word in this country. I am a Black, Hispanic, Native American, Women. Only thing is I'm not an immigrant, and i'm not is part of the LGBTQIA community - but even then, when you consider my "straightness" being on a spectrum - that's not always standing on the most solid ground itself. Anyways, so yeah, according to the checkboxes...in this systemically racist country - what little bit of "privilege" I've had, Is not actually typical. Ok, but I've gone off the deep end again, and I didn't intend to get into this particular arena of internal strife on this post.

Back to the message: I asked for this load of shit so I could prove to myself that i'm worth it.

If I can start from the bottom and say "now we're here", I might be able to appreciate what I have, and I might be able to put my feelings of worthlessness to bed once and for all. Now I know feeling worthless has a lot more than this to do with it - that i'd need to sort out, but I do think taking care of this weird "guilt" I have, would help. If I can prove that I can get to having "privilege" on my own - that might solve a few of my problems...

So, that is why I think the universe is allowing me to fall so hard. Because it knows, that somehow, for some reason I need this. Because like always, I need to do things the hard way. I need to see things to believe it. So I need to witness, and feel the struggle and pull myself out of the gutter, to believe that "i'd made it". Because without this, I think, if I'd made it - I would always irrationally feel like a fraud. Or really, I would never be able to make it because I would have resisted any help or gifts along the way and then ask why I wasn't winning. Hopefully this way, when the universe shines it's light on me, I will be able to graciously accept, and keep it moving.

I am learning to see this as a necessary step in my evolution and learning process. It totally makes sense to me now, and I know maybe no one else will understand that (especially my poor well meaning mom - I love you mommy and i'm sorry!). She's done everything in her power to ensure that I wouldn't have to do things the hard way, but of course it's in my nature that I have to, and I can't just "listen" to her - even though I know she knows best.

Man, I don't know about you reading this, but writing this certainly helped me work some shit out in my head lol. Now I can find a little bit of piece of mind in knowing that this is all a necessary evil. But at the same time, it doesn't mean that I couldn't use some help because I am in WAY OVER MY HEAD!! And maybe recognizing when it is time to ask for help (and actually asking) is another lesson he universe is trying to get me to learn... Still just softening up to that one though - I am getting there.

Ok, I think that's all for now lol!

<3 - Garbage Gal

P.S. Trying out the heart instead of xoxo, I don't think it's the one.