Straight up now tell me - did you ever really love me at ah-all..oh oh oh.

As horrifically cringe as this is, I feel like I have to let this energy go somehow...and once an emo bitch, always an emo bitch, so awkwardly writing about feelings I shouldn't have is how I'll do it. I am just going to write as if I'm talking to the person I have these questions for. So...if it makes even less sense than usual, Idk what to tell you.

First, I'd like to say that I can feel myself becoming that ice queen I once was, but this time I'm even less hot (or cold - whatever).

Good news is that instead of having blonde hair, this time I have fun colors! So that's an upgrade, but the feeling is familiar.

Maybe I don't need to write anything, and all I need is a good cry.

I also just want to mention how hilarious it is that as I write this I have one hand that has really long glue on nails, and the other hand has no nails because they are all ripped off - and it makes for a very strange typing experience. I feel like there has to be some symbolism in that somewhere.

Fine - I'll get to the point.

- Have you come to terms with the idea of actually never speaking to me again?

- Is that an idea that is/was ever even that hard to imagine for you?

- Did you grow your hair out and buy a van just to piss me off?

- You once acted so upset that I could ever imagine that you'd never cared at all, and that I could craft a story in my head that you just used me to get out of your shit town etc. I believed you were hurt by that thought, now I am not so sure again.

- Or am I just so incredibly pathetic - that you were hurt by that, and you did once actually care and it has legitimately been enough time that you are truly healed enough and no longer care. Meaning, it's ok that you no longer care, because normal people are allowed and able to move on...especially when it's been longer apart than we'd even been together in the first place. I really can't blame you, I am just so angry with myself that once again I find myself heartbroken over someone....

-Holy shit, I'm so sad - I think I might need to find someone to fuck tonight.

....I just realized that I've never not been heartbroken since middle school except for the time I spent with you. I couldn't ever get over that pain...

- Oh it's the big sads - I think I need to be in someone else's bed tonight just so I don't off myself, I feel dangerous.

....I knew how ridiculous it was to be so hurt over something that didn't even happen when I was so young. So I gave myself 7 years in the spirit of Saosin to try and get over that one, and the 7 years came and went. At 7 years I didn't heal, I just got numb and then I met you.

SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS - Am I going to need 14 years for you? Am I going to need 7years, 7 times for you? Because the thing is, unlike in middle school - we actually happened. We were actually together for a long time, the love was real (for me at least), the pain is very real..

I can't believe that given my history of not being able to let go, that I actually thought I could move on and be ok in a few years. I can't believe I didn't immediately start playing 7 years non-stop and realize it will take at least that long.

Now I am mad I even started writing this - because I can't even be mad at you - it doesn't make sense. You are normal, I'm the donkey here, and I'm just going to take a long ass time, and it doesn't mean you never cared just because you aren't still as fucked up as I am 3 years later.

There is absolutely nothing written in the stars as to why I still kinda love you, I am just the loser I've always been.

...

Well shit - I had more to say, but truly never mind. Maybe talk to you in 77 years?

Let me hop back on Tinder for the night.

xoxo - fuck me.