License & Registration Please...

SIKE!

No I didn't get pulled over and get in even more trouble lol! And I know it's unusual at this point but this post has nothing to do with my car situation for once! It has to do with my style of "blogging".

All my blog posts are a surprise. From the title, you might have a clue, but you don't really know whet you're going to get because I never make it clear. I think it's probably Blogging 101 to make sure your title is catchy and to the point. Pretty sure people like to read things that they know what to expect from. But i'm not here for the rules. Following the rules right now is entirely not my my thing. That is evident in the fact that I quit a good paying job to pursue...nothing. Promise you can't find that anywhere in the "adulting" handbook. I wouldn't recommend it, but for me, I'm ok with it. I've sort of somersaulted off the deep end saying "eh" I'll do this my way! Whatcha gunna do about it, call the cops? I don't give a fuck - punk rock!

My blog is operating much in the same way as my life. It's not following the rules, and the fact that I am doing things differently and "wrong" is kinda the point. Why? Because 1. Punk Rock, and 2. that;s how I do, and this is an extension of me so it kind of has to be this way. I don't know what I'm doing - obviously. But I call it a "mess-site" for a reason. So anyways, on the subject of the title of my blog posts....Think of 2000's emo song titles. You know like from Panic! at the Disco or Dance Gavin Dance. (Seriously don't argue with me about how I categorize music - that's potentially a whole other blog post) But anyways, from the song titles you have NO idea what the hell you're about to listen to. Maybe it makes sense at the end, maybe it doesn't, but you like the song anyways. I mean obviously my titles are probably a lot more straight forward than "the backwards pumpkin song" and stuff like that. But yeah. That's a thing, and I don't really plan on changing my approach even if it means that no one reads them because the don't get it.

I will say however, in my mind there is always a connection, and by making the connection I get the inspiration to write.

Next thing to address. Some of my posts aren't finished and they are kind of just sitting there as sort of place markers for the day I feel inspired and get back to them I am sorry about that. I wish it wasn't like that but, they don't think it be like it is, but it do...and sometimes I start writing something and I just get drained halfway through trying to make my point and I just have to walk away for a few..hours..days...months....years. It's just that, I'm really not much of a writer. I've said this before, but my grammar sucks, my spelling sucks, I have a hard time with words etc. That is why none of this is very polished and it is coming straight from my mind as I go. I am actually just transcribing my thoughts and when I read other blogs, that's not usually how it works. But in truth, I don't really read other blogs so I can't even be sure about that.

Something else to mention: the timing of my posts and the amount of "content". I think If I wanted this to be successful, I am "supposed" to post new content every day or something like that. But so far it's been few and far between. Well once again, "I do what I want!", and I just am not a writer, so I just may not have the energy or the mental clarity to try and do that regularly. But I wish I could, maybe I'll get better at it. Side note: man to prove to you guys how terrible of a writer I am, I should post something that keeps in all my typos and spelling mistakes and everything. I mean my grammar mistakes are here regardless - I need Grammarly lol.

And another thing...who gave me the authority to write about anything? What license and registration do I have, what right do I have - to have anything to say? Yeah, I know freedom of speech. Of course I have the right to speak my mind and put my words and my thoughts and my feelings out there. But who would want to read them, and why should they?

I've already given a lot of thought into the who might want to read this question. People who identify with not having their shit together - and that's a lot of people! But it's the other question that gives me pause. Why should they? I am not providing a solution. I am not giving any valuable insight. I have nothing to sell (Ahem - other than wine lol).

But here's the thing...I am not an authority on anything

So with that in mind, wtf am I doing trying to start a "successful" blog? I don't know, but I do know that - that unknown, and that fear of looking like an idiot is what has stopped me from doing something like this sooner. That fear had to fuck off. There are so many people saying what they want to say without shame or fear. They say people want to hear from people who are experts in something, or in other words an "authority". Psssshhhh I hope that isn't a strict rule because you can call me John Snow - I know nothing.

***Three days later, after losing the inspiration to write...***

....um and then about 3 hours after writing that last sentence. Finally I am back to writing but it is a stop and go, sloooowwww process. Part of the problem is that I can't really find my way back to the point of this post and my mind just keeps going into different directions that this could go but none of them are what I think I was originally setting out to say, and then I consider just turning the ship around and starting to talk about what I am currently feeling and hoping maybe I'll find the point again later. But if I do that, then it occurs to me that those topics should be a whole other blog post.

So I'm stuck trying to wrap this up. I am just showing you the process of a mad, untalented, sorta wannabe blogger lol. Trying to bring home the fact that it really doesn't matter if I do it right, what matters is that I am doing it at all. This saying is overrated and overused - but "if I can do it, anyone can". It is a process, trying to push out all the thoughts in my head that tell me "if it's not going to be perfect, don't do it." Thoughts that make me stop before I start. I am working on being conscious of my thoughts and the things that I let go through my head at any given time because they seem irrelevant but the words you use and what you say to yourself is everything. Something that has always tuck with me is a word that my 3rd grade teacher taught our class. She specifically told us we weren't going to remember this word - and so that is why I remembered it obviously lol - I don't know if she really thought that we couldn't remember it, or if she was using reverse psychology lol. But anyways, the word is (metacognitive) or metacognition - and she says it means "think about your thinking." Getting off track again! But I like where this is heading. For a long time what that meant to me was tracing back my train of thought to understand how I came to thinking about something. I always thought that was really interesting to see the connections my mind makes between things. Try it out, it's fun. But then it lead to a really annoying game I would play in my head called the "thinking thing" and It was basically like that thing kinds do when they ask "why" after every thing you answer and it goes on forever - except it is for your current thoughts. So it would go like. Right now I am thinking about this thing, now I am thinking about thinking about this thing, and so on and so fourth and I hated it but I did it to myself anyways lol.

But now what I get from that word and the phrase "think about your thinking', is that it is important what you allow your inner voice to tell you. If you tell yourself constantly that you are fat - eventually you will become fat. I can say that because I'll be damned I did that to myself lol - always thought I was fat when I wasn't and now I am - but even though the fact is, I am fat - if I continue to tell myself that I will continue to eat like a fat person and live like a fat person and I will get even more fat. ! So the same goes for everything. It matter what you tell yourself, but we so often don't think about those things and we see no harm in our thoughts because they are just that - thoughts - they are not actions so they are not hurting anyone. But they are, if they are negative towards yourself, they are hurting you without you even realizing it. So when I would tell myself that I couldn't start a blog because I am not an expert, and I don't have any knowledge to share - I was right. I couldn't start a blog. Not with that attitude! It wasn't until I stopped caring about those things and stopped telling myself that perfection mattered, that I was able to start. Blah blah blah I think you get the point. So I am working on it. Trying to consciously let go of the thought that "no-one will read this" and "people will judge me" and all type of bullshit that will only become true if I keep thinking it. I'm learning to consciously let go of the thoughts that stop me from bettering myself in general. This kind of working through shit is what this blog is all about it, and the posts don't have to follow a logical path, and be clear and concise to be helpful.

So yeah, that's what I have to say - sorry this isn't clean and clear and under control. This is not the covergirl of blogs. But it is something, and I'm doing it. and that is what you need to understand when you read it.

Woohooo go me!!!

XOXO - Garbage Gal

P.S. - now I have to write a whoooole other post relating to this haha lets see if I can keep the inspiration up!