I just may have had a mini breakthrough.

So It's 2020....the plan was to leave all my bullshit behind me...cuz "hindsight 2020" ya know...It's been a slogan in my brain since the beginning of 2019 and I still refuse to give the amount thought to it, it would need to determine if that saying actually works in the cheeky way I want it to. So I've just been going with it.

Of course...it's 2020 and It's half way through the first 3 months of January and a bitch is still on her bullshit. BUT ITS OK! 1 - because I feel like I get closer to cutting it out everyday (maybe) and 2 - because it's not the "lunar new year" yet....SO, I am gunna call that the real start and call it a day.

That being said, that start is about a week away, so I have a week to quit fuckin up.

Here is what I've done so far...

1 - Managed to grow the balls to check my bank account after avoiding it for 2 weeks. I deliberately did this while sitting on the toilet so at least if I shat myself by the reality check, I was already ass out in position.

2 - I changed the wallpapers on my phone. Idk about you, but that always makes me feel like a brand new bitch.

3 - I've started writing this because I had a thought.

I watched this video earlier today... this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6NsEDwHHiE

And no it hasn't changed my life...yet at least idk. But it did give me a good hit of some kind of motivation. So much so that I started having delusions of grandeur that I might suddenly start waking up at ass crack o'clock and going for a run. Or maybe that was another video I watched. Either way, it's a good one. Because that is me, he was me - as I am now. And I put it in here because what really provoked my mini breakthrough was a stupid instagram story quote thing. I was watching these Codename Chanel videos on youtube while cooking dinner. Now I encourage you to also go watch her stuff because she really really gives some insight into the inner dark circle of "finessing's finest"...sugar babies. I don't really want to be a sugar baby, but I have been thinking about ways to make some weird money and I stumbled across her stuff. Getting off the point again, I decided to check out her instagram and in her story she had this quote picture thing:

And so I'm like DAMN! Slapped. And it reminds me of the video I watched earlier that I linked above. And it is just all very me.

Listen the past few (since the dawn of my existence) I have done nothing but THINK about my ideas and continue developing and developing and never taking action. Or taking some action and then being too fucking dumb (for lack of another word) to follow through. Like the other day I just bought sand paper because I lucked out and the gods blessed me with a massive wooden pallet that happened to be at the construction site RIGHT outside my door, I shit you not - it is the PERFECT size to put under my bed and I had been thinking about how I wanted to build a pallet bed frame. I must be magic. But anyways, I need to clean and prepare it before I can put it under my bed and I went as far as to go buy the sand paper and it has been just chillin on my floor for a few days, haven't made a move to do shit yet. WHY? because I am so caught up in the idea I just can't allow it to become reality even though the universe so clearly wants this for me lol!

Point is, this whole theme of waiting to take action has been part of my life forever, but....

Holy shit another mini breakthrough! : Maybe this is truly the one lesson I am meant to learn and the one thing I need to do to leave my bullshit behind 2020.

That is painfully grotesquely obvious...I should knock myself out. But it's true and idk why I just got excited over finally just putting that giant piece into place. Like literally just making "taking action" my 1 goal, my 1 motif for this year - could get me so far. It's like I've been stupid this whole time, or just ignorant to what was right in front of me.

There was a square piece at the center of the puzzle and I kept trying to put it in like a diamond wondering why it wasn't working. DUH BITCH!

I make myself sick. And that wasn't even the revelation I finally jumped on here to spell out. The actual intended point of this post, is just slightly less embarrassing.

Also recently, I hit a breakup milestone. More on that on another post (that I PROMISE - because I am not an action taking person! will not take another 8-12 months to post)

But obviously I've been reflecting a lot on my past relationshit (not that it was shit, I just think saying that is funny)...cuz when am I not? And again, I was watching another YouTuber and they said something along the lines of "we INFP's tend to fall in love with the potential of someone" -and that hit me like a ton of bricks I could see coming at me from all the way across the country.

So It all relates because my revelation was that all I could ever see was the potential in my ex. I never wanted to face the reality of what he was bringing to the table at the time. I mean I did see, but I also saw so much more and I wouldn't allow myself to just see it ONLY how it was. But we can't expect that potential to come to the surface ever. It just might not ever, so we can't allow ourselves to only see through that lens. And so with him I eventually started to resent that he could never see what I see, and the potential and reality was never getting any closer to meeting. And I thought I was above that. I thought that unlike him, I did work on myself and try to meet my potential. And in a lot of ways, that is true of me, I do. I at least recognize that I have potential and know that I am not there yet and want to be there. But then when it comes down to it, I'm not that much better. When it comes to my ideas and sense of creativity and "entrepreneurial spirit" - all I ever look at myself with, are those same "potentiality glasses". I look at my creativity in the same way I saw my ex. I see all this potential and I am in love with, that and enamored by it. I don't allow myself to see the reality that...bitch...I'm a Wantrepreneur, not an Entrepreneur!

And I mean I know that, I know I'm not meeting myself half way - I know I'm not really showing up. But I've protected my rosy vision on myself by thinking that if I at least continue to think creatively, then I am being productive and the action will come when I am ready.

Listen, I know I don't need ANY help to trash, and cut myself down. So telling myself that "I really ain't shit" without action - is harsh. I don't need to be any meaner to myself - I need to cut myself slack a lot of the times and put less pressure on myself.

So having this revelation, all to say that I am even worse off than I thought - sucks.

BUT, I think it's powerful, and I think it will actually do more good for me than harm this time. Because another thing that keeps surfacing - is the idea that action comes first, then motivation. And I have really been waiting for a spark to ignite my motivation so that I can then DO something. And it feels like there should be all these steps to take - and a lot of people already talk about this, that "you just need to start" and blah blah blah, doesn't have to be perfect... But it feel like still there should be an order, like you think and perfect and get ready and then get motivated and then start. And I've rejected the idea that "you just have to start" because it sounds lie the kind of thing the same person who says "just go outside" to a depressed person would say. "just start" - same idea, how the fuck is that supposed to work?? So I've always hated it. and I still do. I still really really do, because I still don't fucking know how it is possible to "JUST START".

But nevertheless, that is what I am going to somehow pull out of my ass - "just starting". Because I want to be just as sick of myself not realizing my potential, as I was my ex.

So, step 1 - publish a new post. BOOM - I did it!

No read through of course, so typos and completely unintelligible nonsense galore - cuz that's just how I roll.