Damn...It's almost been a year since I wrote last.

I am sitting in a cafe with tears streaming down my cheeks, and it's cold but I don't want to go home because it hurts too much to be there right now.

When you are on a journey of self healing and shit like that - it can become really hard to prioritize the problems you have to fix within yourself. When you feel like a mess in every area of your life, eventually you feel like you have to choose your battles and shove other problems away until you have the strength to get through them. Or maybe it's like a game and you decide what order you want to fight your demons in, saving the worst for last like the ultimate "boss" fight.

But...like this is an open world game - so you might think you are fighting demons and working towards your boss fight, when really you've been stuck running circles around different side-quests.

The funny thing about this - I guess you could say it's ironic. That I fucking SUCK at life, and here I am talking about it in "gaming" terms - and I FUCKING HATE GAMES!...Because I suck at them, like I suck at life...and you get the picture, this is not all that profound.

Anyways - I have been battling all my life, chipping away at this fucking game (that I hate, and am afraid of) - and....ugh fuck the metaphor!

I've been avoiding working on my envy, ego, and relationships.

Bro.

Revelation - it's because all of those issues involve people beyond myself.

Its...duh duh duh duuuunnnnn...CONNECTION.

I have been avoiding the issues within myself that have to do with connection. Choosing to focus only on "myself" because that is the only thing I have any (so called) "control" over. These problems are things I can just look inwardly for the answers to and I can progress and start to feel better within myself which is great - but I unfortunately do not live in a bubble - so I bump into these (back to the metaphor) "Final Bosses" on a regular basis before I feel ready to fight them.

Or maybe they just come into my fragile zen bubble just to bust it and fuck me up - because they can and I am not a strong enough warrior to face them and they want to remind me of that.

On another note - I think I have a lot of narcissists in my life and thats a weird concept, I still don't quite understand and I wonder sometimes if it's not me who is the narcissist because all I every do is sit, smoke and think about myself. Oh by the way - it's been almost a year, have I written yet about how much of a pothead I've become yet??

Well if not - now you know.

I should try and get back to the point.

Which is - I don't want to go home because my roommate is there with her boyfriend...

Fuck.

Waterworks...

Um - this boyfriend who...I guess the part that really makes me cry is that they've known each-other forever.

FUCK THE CAFE IS CLOSING NOW :(

anyways - I am soooooo fucking sad and soooooo fucking jealous that he's there and they know each-other so well and i will NEVER have that. It's literally not an option for me because I didn't grow up that way - so it's just a constant confrontation of the connection and I will never ever be able to have with someone.

And...that wouldn't hurt so bad, if I could make a connection with anyone, ever, at all. But I can't, it's so motherfucking hard. And I am trying SO FUCKING HARD to work up to being able to fight that boss - but I am not strong enough yet.

Clearly not because I am crying alone at a cafe, avoiding going home - because I am jealous that I can't feel connection. And it's being rubbed and paraded around my space....that I can't even have for myself.

I'm having a really hard day - and I feel really shitty about that because I've been working so hard so I don't want to resort to falling into the comfortable embrace of obsessive life ending thoughts.

But where the fuck do I go from here?

Same shit, different year.

xoxo- Garbage Gal