"Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine."

"Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all"

The Killers - Mr Brightside

Hello there!

(Jeez now I'm struggling not to dissolve into Blink 182's I miss you.)

Let me explain why I've just got Mr. brightside stuck in your head. 1 - it's a great song, so you're welcome, and 2 - the first 2 lines really mirror how I feel about starting this "blog". I have the word blog in quotes because i'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that "I" of all people would be exposing myself online, and through writing of all things! And that uncomfortable reality is what this post is all about. So I ask now "How did it end up like this?"

Some things about me: I am NOT a gifted writer. My spelling is scary, my grammar is atrocious, and writing gives me a fuck ton of anxiety. let me tell you - Soooo many problems in my life have stemmed from my anxiety over writing anything. I'm talking texts, emails, school papers, happy birthday messages, anything. Let me not go down this rabbit hole of dissecting why I have issues with writing, so the point is - it is CRAZY to me that i'd be doing this. Another thing about me? I HATE technology and social media. I'm a millennial luddite. Seriously the roles are reversed in an office setting, I am usually the youngest person in the room and I'm the one who needs help turning on the computer. I shit you not, anyone who knows me would confirm. AND YET, here I am...on the internet...writing. It blows my mind!

But it makes sense. Why? Because come on, I'm 25 - I NEED to get with the program. I'm too damn old...or in this case too damn young for this shit. But also because this is what GarbageGal is all about. Taking out my garbage, and growing to my full potential, and in order to do that I need to get over my writing blocks and learn to embrace new forms of technology. Gotta get with the times. Unfortunately, getting over my issues with writing and technology is only part of it, I have yet another problem.

I am SUPER private, and I kind of like it that way. But how am I going to start a "blog", and want people to read it, and still maintain my privacy? Who's going to read this, if I don't have any way to say it's here? It's a rock in a hard place, what do?

Let me tell you a story. When Myspace came out, I was definitely divided in my thoughts towards it. (I am divided on most things all of the time, so this was nothing out of the ordinary) But part of me was like "NOPE this is creepy!" and part of me saw how awesome it was. SO here's how i resolved the conflict. I had a major crush on this guy, and I was going to an all girls boarding school, so I knew I had to get with the program if I wanted to keep tabs on this dude. So I told myself - "The only way to destroy technology is to use it and learn to destroy it from the inside". Seriously that was my way of thinking. Really I was just looking for a way to give myself permission to stalk this dude, and put myself out there in the process. So I joined Myspace and obviously I had fun - those were simpler times. Then Facebook came around and once again I hated it but found a way to convince myself to join and I reluctantly became addicted like everyone does. I had tons of friends and things were fine until FB started getting too creepy for me to handle. You know how it is, just knowing every damn thing about you and I forget what happened exactly but I got spooked and wanted to delete it. But instead I just unfriended everyone except people overseas or whoever I didn't have another way of contacting or stalking. So for years now I've kept my friends list under 100 people and I've been ok with that. Still I've wanted to get rid of it completely but I can't because memes. But other than scrolling through memes and silently keeping tabs on people, i've not done much with it. I've kept a low profile, barely posting to avoid those "worried" friends who don't understand my cynicism and dark humor. It's been fine. But no one knows me anymore, i've completely isolated myself. I'm in a cage of my own making. It's gotten to the point that It's not only that I'm not participating because I don't want to. But because i've been left out for so long that I am actually scared to put myself out there. I have no idea how people would react to me being me.

What is funny is that I am super private towards people who know me or I work with, but I have no problem putting it all out there to a stranger. So how does that figure? I don't know, but it is another one of my big juicy contradictions. I can talk to strangers till the cows come home. I have no secrets, ask me anything and I'll air it all out. I guess part of the reason I've closed off so much is that my professional persona at work is only part of who I am, and when people who've only seen one side, get exposed to the rest, they don't know how to deal with it ad make a big fuss over it. I can't stand that feeling of being misunderstood - as if people aren't allowed to be complicated, multifaceted, and interesting!? So anyways, if I could hide behind GarbageGal I wouldn't really have a problem, but part of my intention in starting this is personal growth. Growing who I am as an actual person outside of the internet.

So, for years I have refused to add friends, join Twitter, Instagram, get snapchat whatever else because I can't be bothered with it. I also ABHOR pictures of myself, so why would I get an app to take pictures!?? I know, I know it doesn't have to be of me, but you just don't understand how pissy the whole idea makes me feel. Ugh straight up agitated just thinking about it! But anyways this post is about me "coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine, gotta gotta be down because i want it all". I want it all. I want to make friends and a community on this site, and I want to rule the world eventually and all that nonsense but i will not be able to do any of it if I don't loosen my grip on the details of my life. Because my life is actually pretty nuts at times, and maybe someone will appreciate knowing more about it.

So I have an Instagram now, just for GarbageGal. Which is cool, but I have no idea how to use it lol. And now I have some decisions to make. What should I do, should I open up the floodgates on my life and let in all the people that I've kept out of my life for so long? Or do I stay in my comfort zone of talking openly and honestly to strangers and stay hidden under the cover of GarbageGal?

We shall see what happens :)

X - Sarah, Cynthia, Sylvia, Stout, & Me.