Circling The Drain

THIS IS ALL WAY TOO DESCRIPTIVE OF A METAPHOR BUT BEAR WITH ME.

When you try to get rid of all the shit in your life...but you're the shit in your life.

Shit or get off the pot they say. Well, I took a really long time to take that shit because I was apparently trying to relieve myself of my entire life. Now I'm off the pot (yay me!), only I've found myself in the toilet circling the drain with the rest of my life - when I should have been on to bigger and better things. This is a BIG problem. What's funny is that it's not even like I took a massive shit and clogged the toilet so I couldn't flush all my baggage. That would have been a big enough problem - but in that case, all I would need is a plunger... Or knowing me, and the amount of baggage I have - i'd need some fucking gloves and a trash bag to scoop it up and take it out. I would be reluctant to do the work, and I'd feel like a loser and take way longer to do it, but eventually I'd have to un-fuck that toilet. BUT NOO, no, I couldn't actually part with my shit at all! Or maybe it's that the force of trying to take it rocked me so hard that I simply fell into the bowl with it..lets go with that. So now i'm stuck...in the shitter wondering how the hell I get out. At this point, the question is: do I dive deeper and swim through the drain pipes to make it out? Or am I meant to make a shit mountain and climb it back to the rim? Then get out, take a shower and grab the gloves and trash bag??

Side note - i'm so fucking dramatic! I know, and i'm sorry for the vivid imagination I have...and I hope you are enjoying the artwork lol.

Ok but honestly I'm stuck..in shit...I'm a shit sandwich, and I don't know how to deal and get through this predicament. Call Mister Clean! After working out this metaphor I think the answer unfortunately truly is that I'll have to swim through the drain pipes to end up somewhere drastically different and new and free. Pretty sure that's what a spiritual guide would say so I'm going with that.

Fuck...to be continued

A few days later - after taking 2 steps forward and 80 steps back.

I went to Houston and saw one of my best friends for the first time in some years. It was great catching up, but really great just being FREE for a few hours. I feel terrible for feeling like living at home with family is hell. But it is, and I just want the fuck OUT. If I felt like it were really up to me, I wouldn't care how I got out - whether it be spending the last of my money on a van to live in, or trying to convince a cousin to house me for a month or so, or buying a ticket to runaway back to Minnesota, or North Carolina, Boston, Houston, LA, ANYWHERE...and couch surfing until I figure something else out. I just honestly feel like I cannot move forward unless i'm left completely alone and to my own devices...But then I think, what actually are my own devices. Like fuck when I REALLY think about it, all I have is a little bit of money (most of which I can't actually access because my fuck-ass old job found another way to screw me over - and no not the one I quit OVER A YEAR AGO at this point - another fuck-ass old place - I'll document later) Anyways, when I think about it, my computer isn't mine I didn't buy it myself, my phone certainly isn't mine...I have NOTHING. Nothing, all my shit is gone. Shit is spread over the fucking country at this point who knows. Whatever, point is that last night I'd managed to start forming and working towards a plan. I finally applied to some more fuck-ass restaurants and got interviews for today, and I did a revamp pic of my "Self-istration".

My new - already inaccurate "Self-Istration" because my hair will not be done black with an oil slick chunk :(

I took a damn STEP. It was a STEP! I drew the picture and I posted it with a cutesy little hopeful affirmation and I was "happy" because i'd gotten interviews. AND then by mid morning today I am left feeling more worthless and suicidal than I have been in years.

My step isn't good enough. I don't think anyone realizes how knocked down I actually am. It's like Jenga. I've been knocked all the way down (WHY?? - Beats the fuck out of me!) But what everyone in my life needs to realize is that I'm not trying to build back up yet, I'm not even capable of that yet. I'm still just trying to fucking find all the pieces that scattered across the table, maybe some fell on the floor, idk I cant find them! But maybe you do get that, and still I am expected to start building whether I have all the pieces in view and in reaching distance or not. I think that is what is expected. Ok makes sense, BUT TELL ME, how the fuck do I go about picking up the piece that is on the floor under the table after I have already started building up? Then I risk destroying all my damn progress again trying to reach down... That is the fear I have. That is the block I have. I can't move until I have the pieces in view. No, I don't need to have them laid out in exact order and I don't need to know which piece to put where at what time right now - I am not THAT anal. But I do need to have them all on the damn table in view before I can even think about building.

So my mom is under the impression that she is not knocking me down all the way, or in my case right now - spreading the pieces further from reach. I think she thinks she is just taking a piece out to have me see it for what it is, so that I can put it back in a stronger position. Or she thinks that she has taken the first foundation piece out of place, trying to tell me to use a different block because the one I've chosen is a piece of shit and I need something better. I get it, makes sense. But the way I see it, I'm not building yet. I'm pulling the pieces closer to start building, and the piece she just threw across the room (trash as it might be) is fucking important to me! I needed it, I need them all. And I really don't know that I can start building without having it in my view.

Ok this metaphor is getting tired, but it was fun while it lasted.

Point is, THIS is why I need out. because my effort is dismissed so easily as if it were nothing or as if it were an insult to her and who she 'thinks I am". I get it, I see where she's coming from. But it ends up being counterproductive, rather than helpful. I know it's meant to be helpful but she doesn't understand, IF she is going to help me, she needs to consider me a puppet - but not like in Toy Story. I will not, and CANNOT move at all without her making it happen. So what I mean is, she can't position me right and then expect me to take off when no one is looking. No imma just sit there staring until she comes to play with me again. I'm sorry - if you want to help, that is the degree to which I need you to help me. If you aren't going to help, then consider me Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas, and I just threw myself out the window, only my dumbass forgot to throw the basket with the needles and string first. I'm resourceful as fuck, so I'll find a way to stitch myself together, but I might be using grass and mud to stick myself together until I can get to the needles and string (I'm sorry I literally cannot get away from the metaphors) - point is, people can't expect me to fix myself how they want, i'll do it, but I have to be allowed to do it my own fucked up, backwards, dumbass way.

Get it? Make sense? Cool - so now I'm ready to give up again because my mom put her fist down on the table and all my damn Jenga pieces scattered further away.

So excuse me while I - Not try to build myself up, but to simply TRY to not want to kill myself.

Notice I say (Try to not want to) - not (Try not to).

Meaning there is a big difference in the degree to which you should be worried about me.

Call it code grey, not code black yet. And my favorite color is grey so I'd say I'll be pretty ok overall.

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