An Unexpected Masochistic Habit

Not my illustration....

Halo frenz….

Yikes. 

I said (to myself…plus like, the one other person who actually might read my rants) – that I wouldn’t take a half a year to write and post more about the heart things. 

I didn’t think it would take me even this long to get into this, because I already had/have my idea about how I am going to talk about my heartbreak – and it is through song! A playlist of songs I like that I think show the evolution of my past relationship. That way I can say things without actually saying a damn thing!

Cuz that’s just the kind of shit Enneagram type 4’s do. 

I still want to do that, I’d already started putting together the list of songs. Not even just mentally anymore – cuz I’ve been thinking about doing this for…a half a year at least lol. I actually created a playlist on YouTube, and now I just have to put them in order and that would be that. 

But now in addition to that, I actually have some shit to say that I haven’t found a song yet to express for me. And that is….fuck. I have formed an addiction to watching “self-help-like” content on YouTube. AND FUCK….I managed to find a YouTuber with really great content!

Only If I’m honest, that’s not why I really watch him anymore. 

Remember the video about the art advice I linked in my last post? THAT was the beginning of the end to my habit being “semi healthy”. Because if that guy isn’t the exact representation of who I believed my ex could become – then I don’t know what is. 

He is my Ex 2.0 – and I can’t take my eyes off him. 

At first it was cool. Like wow, he has a striking resemblance to my ex, if my ex actually got the tattoos he wants. Then, like wow – VIBES. The vibes man, they are just so similar that I keep drawing these connections between them. And there are very clear obvious differences that can’t be ignored and I am glad because they serve as a way to bring me back to the reality that the guy on the screen is NOT my ex.

But then, that is dangerous because I use those differences as an excuse to dive deeper into the videos and get whatever sick satisfaction I get from them… I can trick myself into thinking "this is fine, this is safe"...and that just isn't really true anymore.

When I watch him, It feels like I'm seeing the future I think my ex and I could have had. His videos make me feel like I can still hang out with him, and see him because I can’t actually hang out with or see him anymore...

And those thoughts are really really bad because (obviously) I am supposed to have moved on…. And I have…. But then what the fuck am I doing getting addicted to watching this guy’s videos because they remind me of my ex?

And it sucks because his content is actually SO good, and SO helpful and SO practical for me as a creative trying to better myself.  

So let me tell you what my current situation is. 

I just had a bit of a cry in the bathroom at work (thank god I work in a basement alone most of the time). And I was crying because I’m a piece of shit and I can’t help myself.

My ex and I still “communicate” regularly. And by that I mean we share memes and ask each other how life is on occasion – nothing too deep. Except the other week when I found out about a potential new fling of his. Who (update), he’s since decided it wouldn’t work out with. 

It was the first time we had a real conversation in a looooong time, (over text of course – we haven’t “seen” or “spoken” to each other in over a year). Truthfully it might have been one of the best “serious” conversations, we’ve ever had – because he was actually present in it, and not shying away like normal.

HE HAS CHANGED. A lot…as far as I can tell. And it amazed me because that was not just change, it was growth, and that is all I’ve ever wanted for him. 

SO SINCE THEN, my heart and my head have been threatening war. Because my head knows not to go there, and to high-tail it the other direction. But my heart is like WOW – he’s doing what you wanted him to do, maybe that means you can….(I won’t even fucking say it). 

But you know what’s up… Then when you compound those thoughts with this dude’s YouTube channel, and my inability to form a human connection with anyone, and apathy towards all these damn dating apps I am constantly on….I have myself a true recipe for disaster. 

….So I couldn’t help but request (for days) that my ex also watch this dudes videos, because they’ve been driving me up a fucking wall and I can’t really tell anyone about it – ironically except for him… Because according to my head, and everyone else, I am not supposed to be thinking about him, or these kinds of things at all.

So finally my ex watched a video, and he didn’t get it why the guy reminded me of him. So I had to explain why, and I was already writing this post…and I went to the bathroom (cuz I really had to pee) and basically, I had a mini breakdown. 

I just fucking miss him….

Fuck here I go again! *cries in dumbass*.

I miss being understood and accepted for who I am. I miss that emotional security. I don’t miss the financial insecurity that came with our relationship. The blissful ignorance and immaturity that we shared. Our bubble that burst and let the real world problems of adulthood flood in and poison the well and ruin our lives (more consequentially mine). Those things I don’t miss…and I never want to go back there. But it miss feeling comfortable in all the internal ways. 

I truly don’t believe that emotionally there was any toxicity in our relationship. There was growth that needed doing, but the foundation was pretty damn solid I think. Maybe I am fucked up and wrong for believing that, but that is what I don’t think people really understand about our relationship.

I think because it is rare to find that, it is assumed that when there are other BIG things wrong – that the emotional aspect must be broken in some way too.

So people don’t understand how I still want to save that part of our relationship so badly. I don’t want to say "friendship" because I don’t think it accurately encompasses what I mean…. But I don’t want the acceptance and understanding and comfortable parts of our relationship to go down with everything else.

And when we had that good conversation I found out from him that he doesn’t want that to go away either. So we are both idiots...I'm not surprised - we do, above all else, "get each other"

I feel like the most naïve piece of shit for wanting to beat the odds and maintain a lasting "friendship" with him. I know it probably won’t be possible – if for no other reason than the people in my life simply won’t accept my having any kind of relationship with him at all. 

But really I’m the donkey, because who am I kidding thinking this could work - when I can’t even watch a fucking YouTuber without it eventually sending me spiraling into this mess of confusion and tears over him. 

It’s been WELL over a year! I am just trying to understand why this is still so hard?

But then again, I am really starting to learn about myself that I have serious issues with letting go of people. Even when I haven’t formed an attachment to someone – even when I hate the person – I have a very hard time ending the relationship. I am dealing with this now with someone who is supposed to be a “new friend”. I don’t like them very much, and idk how to end the relationship in a nice agreeable way. Before this, I had the same situation and thankfully it kind of resolved itself, but really I struggled with it before it did. I don’t know what this pattern I’ve noticed is meant to teach me, but whatever the lesson is, I haven’t learned it yet.

I have no idea why I am like this…why am I like this? 

Clearly I haven’t processed something right and I should go to therapy. 

So what’s the take-away? 

Um – quit crying over your fucking ex dummy! And quit lamenting over the fact that he is not who you wanted him to be! And realize that it is all in the past, so even if he becomes that person – that is what you wanted and NOT what you want now. It's too late.

Thank you for coming to this public conversation with myself. 

XOXO – Me 

Oh god, and I was done with this post…and I had the BRILLIANT idea of cheering myself up by listening to My Chemical Romance….cuz it’s the RAWRing 20’s and....

A BITCH GOT A GOLDEN TICKET BITCH!!!! 

#Blessed

….Anyways, listening to MCR to sit in my sadness in order to make me happy… and fucking Cemetery Drive comes on….lol basically the whole song is just wailing “I MISS YOU” ….right fucking before Demolition Lovers comes on. 

Oh yeah…emo shit <3 hurts so good lmfao. 

Ok, I’m done now.