Oops I did it again...

Well not really, I'm not sure i've done anything this foolish. or been in a hole this deep.

Hellooo up there!!! Can anyone hear me? Drop down a rope!

Oh boy. This is for anyone who really wants to know how my life is going right now. You know how when life is tough and people ask how it's going, you have to bite down the bile and spit out something half way positive? Yeah...that's been getting harder and harder every day. I thought when I originally started this post, that i'd already had it bad, but time has gone to show it's a long way to hell. So right now - my life is very much like the iconic meme above. Things are DEFINITELY NOT FINE! Not in the slightest... and yet all I can do is sit and breath in the flames, hoping to transform from a dog to a dragon who can shoot the flames back out at life while sitting on a pile of riches. Yes that's the plan because that is all I can do. Hope beyond hope that things will get better and hope beyond hope that I have indeed hit rock bottom and the only to go is up from here.

Alas - although I have gained a lot more appreciation for how people become homeless. i am not yet homeless so I am not at the bottom. Although that fact is only hanging by the thread of kindness that our sweet landlord is showing us in our time of need. Bless his heart! (not in the southern back handed way - like I mean really bless that man, he is too good for us!)

So let's get into the juicy details, why is life kicking my ass?

Because I am a fool. I am naive. I let my anxiety rule my life and I get myself in trouble for it. But then again I can't blame my anxiety for everything. But I damn sure can try!

Story time... the fall of my life.

I was on cloud nine, I had gotten a real job without a connection (because we all know that is how business is done most of the time) in California. I was a boss! Or so I thought. I didn't think, my boyfriend and I jumped on the opportunity with faith that it will all work out. It was rough but ultimately it did work out and I was proud! I'd been telling my mom that if I wanted to, and put my mind to it, I could get a job somewhere awesome and I could move myself there and it would be messy but I am strong and I can make it work. I did it, I proved to my mom exactly what I said ! would. But should I have? Ehhhhh... probably not. At first it was crazy but good, I had an awesome boss, who was a real leader and I knew I could learn from her. But there was a lot of political drama that I had walked into that ultimately led to her resigning for a better opportunity. To keep things simple, next boss came and and it was all downhill from there. She was nice, overall I think a good person. But had no managerial skills, no leadership skills and a splash of racial prejudice. So you know how I said I was going to try and blame everything on my anxiety? My anxiety could not take this job any longer. I was late all the time because 1 - medically I am fatigued so it is just hard. But 2, when you add in depression, and then you add in crippling anxiety, and discontent etc. You end up with me struggling HARD every morning not to throw up and forcing myself to drag my ass into work. So many things happened, and there were so many reasons I needed to leave. So one day when I was worn down and angry, I said fuck it and I did it. I gave a months notice so I could leave properly - I didn't want to be a dick, and that way I had a month to get my life together and find another job and ensure my stability for the future.

But did I?

Nope! So the plan was/is that I am going to school overseas in the fall. So I didn't want to get another "real" job just to leave it. So I didn't really look for jobs. I told myself I should try and get another credit card or a loan or something before I leave.... But did I? No, so now that I don't have a job and I desperately need money, I can't get any. I told myself to find a little serving job or something and start working at it beforehand so I could go seamlessly from paycheck to smaller paycheck. But did I? No etc etc. I did not set myself up for success. I fucked up. Not that leaving was a bad call - I mean it was but ultimately I am happy not to be there. But it was a BAD call not to listen to my inner voice and get some shit together before hand. So why didn't I? Anxiety maybe...or stupidity and naivety more likely. I honestly don't know what I was thinking but I was reading a lot of uplifting mindset manifestation stuff and I guess I thought the universe would have my back better than it does (because I am still trying to keep my mind right and believe the universe wants me to succeed despite the situation it is letting me be in).

So to blame more stuff on anxiety. I really need to go to a doctor to see how soon I am going to die, but I am too anxious to figure out my insurance and the healthcare system. So I'm dying fast i'm sure of it! But I did nothing and now my insurance is out in 2 days and I'm screwed. Did it to myself. I live downtown and can have a parking permit for 10 dollars a month and not get tickets but I was late to go get it renewed after the first time I got it so I never went back to the office to renew my permit because I was too anxious that they would ask me all these questions and I would just get in trouble etc. So I never did it and I racked up a bunch of stupid easily prevented parking tickets. The parking tickets I never paid because although they were bullshit I was too anxious to call and contest or take care of them so I let them sit and accumulate forever. I guess I thought sometime without even gambling I'd hit a jackpot and be able to pay off my debts without caring. The library: I borrowed books from the library a year and some change ago and I didn't loose them, they are sitting on my shelf and the library is pretty much across the street but I couldn't bring myself to go over and return them when I should have. And now I have no idea how much I owe over 2 fucking books! But I am too anxious, and can't bring myself to take care of it. Student loans...need I say more? I mean it's obvious I haven't been taking care of those, but to elaborate, I was on an income based plan to pay them off but that is supposed to be renewed every year. So like 2, (maybe 3 at this point) years ago when I was supposed to simply call and renew that plan, I was too anxious, and I avoided it. So all of a sudden my payments were thousands a month which I couldn't pay...So I ignored them. Eventually I tried to sloppily take care of it, but by then I was already too fucked. I can't now because i've defaulted and can't even get back on track without paying a thousand something up front which I can't afford so I am still just letting it fuck off and accumulate. Etc. Etc. Etc. Unfortunately my anxiety paralyzes me rather than call me to action, so yeah I procrastinate and screw myself over and over again over the dumbest things.

So to piece this back together. How does this relate. I quit my job. I didn't do anything to save myself. The first week of being free of my job, my car got towed. Why? You guessed it..parking tickets. So I had to pay all my parking tickets plus the fees to get the car out and that was about a thousand bucks. Which was about the amount of excess money I had from my vacation payout. Ok, ok fuck. that's bad right...but i'll get a job, my boyfriend has a little shit job, we'll be ok right?

BOOM his job decides to relocate to a shitty location, says it will take about a week or two tops to reopen and the new location. How long has it been? Almost a month. How much progress has the new location made to be ready to open? Next to none. So yes, we are at the same time BOTH unexpectedly unemployed... with no savings... in California... without having any friends out here or support. Bad enough right? Whew thats a shitty hand, I am sure you can smell it from wherever you're reading this

But I'm not done...(And yes this is a pity party!). I'd like you to refer to my posts in The Landfill section of my forum to get up to date on all the intricacies of the car situation. Once you're up to date, continue reading this.

So I'm obviously desperate and considering anything, I want to drive for Uber and Lyft, start making money today blah blah sign on bonus blah blah. Let me tell you, those aren't sign on bonuses, they are make this much money guarantees. So if you do 100 drives in this much time, we will guarantee you make $1000 dollars and if you don't we'll pay the difference. Only that doesn't help me because I need to make waaaay more than that amount in that time anyways. But none of that matters anyways because of course I went to go get my California license. But because it is in the mail, I can't sign up to drive without being able to post a picture of my picture license. So I have to wait for that to come in the mail. But none of that matters anyways. because heres another story. I realized I have money in retirement from my old old job I can take out! Boom I did that I was/am waiting on the check. But side note (taxes - this year was the first year I owed. But I was too anxious to face that, so I waited till the last minute to file my taxes using turbo tax, but because I owed, I couldn't use my return to pay for the service, and I didn't have any money to pay to file. So I didn't even file my taxes. Damnit call the police I am heading to jail) So I am not sure if that check is actually going to come or if it will be gobbled by the IRS which I am fine with. BUT the point of this story is that I got mail from Fedex. I had to go all around my ass to pick it up, and I though it was going to be the check - because what else could it possibly be? BOOM it was a bill...for my car payment...which is months late...and I can't pay because of the obvious.

Ignored it, there is nothing I can do. Fill out more applications, at places further and further away because I am desperate, check the box, "yes I have reliable transportation." BOOM! Today I get a call, I ignore it, it goes to voicemail, it sounds serious. In a brave moment I call back - because I mean, I can't do anything about anything they have to tell me anyways - so might as well. My car is on the verge of being put up for repossession unless I pay $1000 something right now.

So to recap.

Everyone want's $1000 from me, but no one's trying to give me $1000.

My boyfriend and I are both unemployed.

We are late on rent and have no idea how we are going to pay it.

I can't pay my car payment and it is likely going to be reposessed

So without a car, we can't get jobs. Without a job we can't have car.

Forget about food. I mean who needs that c'mon!

I am trying to go back to school in the fall which costs money and a passport and visas and things and because I have defaulted on student loans, without paying that thousand something I can't even apply for more loans - as if they'd give me one anyways, as if i'd even deserve it.

There's a lot more I am sure I am missing, so let me just talk about what you are all thinking. Why haven't you gone to your parents to bail you out?

Good question. Answer: I can't. Why not? because they are not in a position to help - plain and simple. Their situation is not much better than mine (if at all), and the best thing I can do for them is try to keep them from worrying about me. I know, I know...this is really really stupid. I know. I told you I am a mess. I told you this is a fire. I told you I did it to myself.

So then.. what's the plan and how much do I have to my name?

Well not much is the answer to the second question.

And the plan is simple. Fucking fix it.

And don't tell my mom about this until I am a multi millionaire.

XOXO - GarbageGal.

P.S. - I bet you really understand the name now haha! <3