Depression & Repression

Let's talk about sex baby....To be continued.

I wanna li-li-lick you... no seriously I probably don't.

Let's jump into it. I am finally in a committed relationship with an amazing guy. I say finally because It took me so long to experience this magic. He's truly wonderful, and we've been together for 2+ years, but I wont spend all my time writing about my love in this post because that's not what this is about.

This is about my relationship with sex in general. Mhhmmm Girl. .

All you need to know about my actual relationship, is that I'm with someone who loves me, and loves sex, and he deserves a lot more of it than I give him. Yikes right?

So to break it down, all my life i've wanted to be in a relationship with an amazing guy and really get to know myself sexually. sex sex sex, I have always been attracted to it and my sense of sexuality from a young age. Seriously i remember having wet dreams about having sex with strangers in public restrooms since I was in like 3rd grade. That's awkward as hell to admit and this whole "diary post" whatever you want to call it is truly fucking weird for me in general. So much so that in order to get it out, I am having to write it directly on this page. Why? Because the page is black, and my feelings are so dark around this subject, that the moment I started typing on a blank white page, I couldn't do it because it all felt too bright and corny in my head and my mind wouldn't allow itself to be poured out onto a white page. I thought that was an interesting phenomenon. But anyways I am vulnerable writing this, so what do I do, I go to my Sylvia page where everything is vulnerable, so I can feel comfortable enough to write it.

So getting back to the point. I know sex is meant to be a major thing in my life, but in actuality it never has been, or at least not in the way I intended. The good stuff is all in my head, I can't let loose and actually experience what I dream about. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, and it was to a guy I really didn't give a fuck about. I was in a relationship with him yeah - but I constantly had to to try and convince myself that I had feelings for him. It was never real, but maybe that's a whole other post. I was ready to lose my virginity though so when it happened, it was a big deal, but it really wasn't a BIG deal. That "relationship" didn't last very long thank goodness! But fast forward a year and I'd racked up quite a few stamps on my V-card. V for vagina, not virginity because that was clearly not a thing for me anymore. Here's where it gets real. By all standards of shame (and i'm not trying to get into the topic of slut shaming here so just listen), I could definitely be classified as a slut. Girl I went from 0 to like 10, 15, 20 something real quick. Yeah I know it's not so bad (or a bad thing at all) but for me it was CRAZY. Especially because, even though I'd had sex with a lot of super hot guys I still didn't feel like I knew how to have sex. and I STILL don't.

But let's go back because there is a lot of real insecure shit to unpack here. Did I mention I hate myself yet? Oh well there it is. I am a deeply insecure and self loathing person. So some history - i did not always feel this way about myself. i've always been prone to self hate but it didn't take over until 8th grade. Fell in love with this guy (whatever! it was love I swear!) Basically he was my best friend and he repeatedly broke my heart by choosing to go out with this chick who ugly both inside and frankly out. So feel bad saying that I thought she was ugly but we are speaking honestly about things and this is the story of how my ego was destroyed. Back then, I didn't think I was hot shit, but I didn't think I was the troll I am now. But she wasn't cute to me, AND she was two faced and mean. So in my mind why the hell would my super crush best friend keep choosing her over me. And then her knowing how I felt about him would brag about how he was over her little house tickling each other which was just too much for my little heart to handle because you know back then that was the ULTIMATE form of intimacy. Oh man this story is definitely a couple of other "diary entires" that need to happen so let me get back to the point. Since then I've had just about zero self esteem.

So my first technical boyfriend was for like a month or so right after high school with this sweet awesome german exchange student. He was at our school all my senior year and we were friends and he was hot but everyone had a crush on him so i never allowed myself to do the same because obviously with all the choice he had, he'd never like me. Lo and behold, he told me hella late that he'd had a crush on ME of all people all year. So I went out with him. But I felt guilty about it the whole little bit of time it was because I hadn't worked out in my mind if I did actually like him too in that way, or if my effort to keep from liking him really won out. And I went out with him because it was like a trophy to me. And that's shitty, but it felt like a victory Yet, it was during the summer so school was out and I didn't know if anyone knew about the fact that we were dating. So I also couldn't help but think, he waited to go out with me until no one had to know because he didn't want to be seen with me, or he was playing all the girls during the year so it would have been too risky to have someone calling him their "boyfriend' over the year. That was my insecurity speaking and it reminds me of this awesome song i'm obsessed with recently. Paranoia by Liza Anne. Anyways, it totally wasn't who he was to do that to me, I was just a bitch. But it ended soon because he was going back to Germany and I was going to college and that was that - i've never been able to find him to talk to him again.

Then my next bf, the one I lost my virginity to. He was honestly a total creep, i'll probably get more into this some other time. But what I want you to know now is that I only wen't out with him because he seemed SOO into me. And I had never really experienced being "chased" so to speak by someone I'd just met that I also found semi attractive. (Really gross wtf 19yro me?) And I didn't know when that would happen again, so I agreed to go out with him. Seriously it was more like a business contract. Point is, it was my insecurities ruling me.

Then when we broke up and I went buck wild, what happened is that I kept meeting guys that i found attractive and they wanted to fuck me. And since I'd lost my virginity already, and I wanted to feel sexy and wanted, we'd fuck. Only it was often like the first night we'd meet. In other words I had a series of one night stands. But the guys afterwards would then try to get to know me and insist that they really liked me and wanted to keep seeing me. So naturally I couldn't accept that and wanted nothing to do with them because I couldn't trust that they liked me for me, and not for the fact I gave it up so quickly and I was "easy". So even though I was having all this sex, I wasn't really enjoying it or getting to feel comfortable with myself and sense of sexuality because there was no connection and I wouldn't let there be one even if there could have been. And I just want to mention here, that although I wasn't necessarily enjoying myself, that no I wasn't being taken advantage of in a fragile state or some shit like that. Everything was consensual. I don't blame any of these guys for my bad decisions in this time. Because bad decisions, that you don't feel good about, or look back on the memory fondly, does NOT mean that you were abused. I was stupid and insecure and I own that.

So it went on like that for years and I was totally empty. I didn't think I could feel anything for anyone and I didn't think I'd ever meet someone the "right" way, that I could trust liked me for me. That is until I met my bayzabee <3. ....

I am going to stop this here on a high note, and get back to it. The goal for today was finally publish this site, and clean this damn apartment, and I am avoiding that by writing this right now!

So To be continued....​